Still figuring it out

I think i am in need of writing today. Yes, i am actually. I don’t quite know how to verbalize all of what is going on in my head and inward parts, so i will write, mostly gibberish, but hey if it helps it helps right?

The last few weeks have been rough and today i think things just hit a point where my bottle couldn’t hold anymore and now im here, once again, wanting to pour out my heart and figure things out, but not quite knowing how to.

Im not going to lie, learning to be a ‘family’ is hard and weighty (amazing and a blessing, but hard none the less).  I miss my friends, or at least the way our friendship looked like. Im by no means a person that wants to stay up till midnight just hanging out, but i do miss that time with those people. I think the hardest part is that i feel a growing apart, due a to ‘growing up’ and everyone going their own way or maybe just being the first married and having a baby.  Its hard, especially all the time, energy, patience, love, and endurance, we have all put out over the years. Im not about to let it pass me by, but i still don’t know how, yet.

Things are hard when you have a teething, anery, ready to go, or lack of a better term ‘balls to the walls’ 7 month old. Very fun but hard in a social setting! haha He can turn a tantrum on in about .5 seconds for no real reason, and he can go high Octane in about .2 seconds.  I can’t remember the last time i actually heard or even listened to a message at church or tried to venture out to the Prayer room, without one of the two happening OR a puking blowout on me or trailing behind me (at times scaring other moms and children away! haha) The moms room at church is such a blessing and has the message airing on the TV but Bodie (only being 7 months old) is already to go to the toddler room. He’s much to active and loud for it, or maybe Im more ready. I already get at least one death stare each time for bottle feeding Bodie and then on top of that his uncontrollable puking and energy, we need a bit more room and activity (maybe a sound proof obstacle course). :) Plus Dan needs to be able to switch off with me. But we aren’t able to go to the toddler room till 12 months, even being supervised…?! I feel like Bode is constantly having to be an ‘excuse’, but he’s seriously not if he’s not doing good I’m not going out, he needs to be home with me and its just not smart. I just don’t know how to go about getting out with him in a church or calm setting with out all attention being on him in a positive OR negative way yet..? His bed time is 730’ish and Dan needs to get to bed by at least 10, so my sleeping schedule and my families does not help with later nights.  Friends if you are reading this….i miss you and don’t want our friendship to  dwindle out. Please be patient with me and  my lack of supermom. Im trying, seriously. :*(

Anyways, im getting to tired and emotional to keep analyzing anything more tonight, if you have any advice please share it! :) I do want to say that i love my family and they are 100% enough for me, and thats not the issue at hand, mainly i just need to get out with this baby, who is amazingly fun but a very difficult baby at the same time.

Thanks for listening or not, to my bottled up emotions and rants. My next blog should be a bit more fun, maybe not fun but better. I was going to blog a little on our ‘next’ and timing. But this was weighing a bit heavier on me tonight, AND besides i just found out a friend is pregnant with their SECOND! YAY!

Ash

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Still figuring it out

  1. Awww honey, I know exactly how you feel. All the things you are going through are so normal but I know that’s not what you want to hear. Life has so many changes and each one is difficult and wonderful and heartbreaking and lonely at times and then it all balances out just in time for another change. :) Bodie is his own little person, and a baby, and you need not worry about how others look at you or him. THEY need some patience and kindness! Keep taking him out and discipline him as needed and just let him be. Find a babysitter also. You are going through a huge adjustment and that’s ok….just be. Now life is all about others (your family) and that in itself is a change. You are a good mom, wife, ffriend, daughter and sister. Hold your head up honey and know you haven’t lost anything but gained a ton, you just need a bigger capacity to hold it all….:) Isn’t that wonderful!? I love you and do understand…hope that helps. I’m going through huge change myself, with loosing my kids and trying to identify with my life as it is now. I liked being a full time parent….I miss it. Anyhow…love you! Mom

  2. It IS hard friend, and you have every right to feel what you are feeling right now. I’m so glad you wrote this, I love to see where you are at and how to be there for you! You are doing a great job, don’t doubt yourself. The rough days might last longer than wanted and it’s so difficult, but I know God gives you grace with everything which comes our way, even that sometimes feels like it comes to late (just a feeling, doesn’t mean it’s true). I understand! I wish we lived closer, because we’d be a real encouragement to each other for sure!

    I think it says A LOT that you are thinking about baby #2 already despite everything too! You are stronger than you think!

  3. It is May 26th and I’m glad I didn’t read this any sooner, I would have wanted to come and give you a break immediately!! I just so remember having those same feelings you expressed. I look back now and wonder how I got through everything and then remember God was right there not giving me more than I could handle. Everything you shared is experienced by Moms – it’s nice we have each other and ways to communicate – such as this. Remember – His mercies are new every morning!! Love ya Grandma

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s