I think i just need to blog and let off some steam. Yeah… Incase you missed it and for much reason of this blog here is my last tweet:
“i suck at life, and hate crafting..and being a perfectionest…#overreacting i know >:(”
I know im a perfectionist, i always have been. I think its a terrible curse that i love crafting, and creating and such. Its one of the only things in ife that relieves my stress and calms me down after a long day. I (should) find alot of peace in it. But the honest truth is, im not good at it (at times). There i said it. I want to be, and i imagine im am, but truth is i don’t have ‘it’. My mind and my hands are apparently not connected in that way. Not in the way i would like them to be at least.
I . am . a . perfectionist
I get frustrated at the smallest hiccup, waver of the pen, just whatever it maybe. About half of the time i end up in tears at myself, because im not happy unless its perfect.
Tonight i used up all my favorite paper, my beloved paper i have been saving, because i couldn’t write something out exactly how i had wanted it or pictured it. dang it.
My husband can do something and wether its perfect or totally not what he wanted he is fine with it. It honest to goodness boggles me how he can be so ‘eh, its fine’ mindset with crafting. I mean how can you not want it to look amazing and flawless?!
I think thats why SO SO SO many of my projects are never displayed or shown. Im not completely happy with it, i mean they maybe ok, or good, but who whats to see that, gross not me, not if its mine in my house. Im sure everyone sees their own faults in stuff, or stuff they have made, but it kinda ruins it for me (in MY stuff). Funny cause i think a little hiccup or something in someone else’s is a wonderful character of the project.
I know im just ranting, but its been years in the making. I remember a little project a friend of mind and i did when we were younger. You know the make it yourself kits? Yeah she got one for Christmas one year, and it was a make your own scrunchie (sp) kit. Im talking younger…haha Anyways all you had to do was take a strip of fabric and put a elastic band with a clasp through it and clasp it. Of course the fabric was about 11inches long and the elastic thing was 3inches long so you had to work it through. It would pop out and you would have to start over..I think you get the idea. I remember getting so angry and being in tears, I finally threw the thing across the room and never picked it up again (with not a single regret to this day). Seriously i was so mad at that dumb thing i couldn’t control myself. So from then on i knew my limit.
Guitar Hero is one of the few things that is that limit. I know not to even pick it up and try.
I want whatever ‘it’ is to be wonderful and something other people want to do. Like blogging, i surf all the time and just admire all the beautiful blogs out there and their ability to work out their schedules to do it all the time, and craft and make all their own food, etc! haha But i cant, and i think thats why i neglect my blog at times, because its just another blog, and poorly put together. But i guess thats just how it is at times. And yet my family and a few others still read it to keep up on us. Go figure.
I dont know how to just let it go and be happy about it. I know i have my ‘off’ nights ‘ but really. I dont know how to overcome this perfectionism in me. I have tried for years, seriously, but cant.
The worst part is that im seeing it come out in Bodie. He is easily frustrated when something is not working like it previously was. With alot he does have endurance, but somethings, he loses it. Just like momma. Great out of all my genes he got that. Poor guy, i know how to help him work through it, and even giggle at him at times, i mean come on bud your only one.
Im sure that thats what the Lord does with me too. Giggles, (well actually He probably thunders at my total overreaction) at me and thinks “Its ok Ash your only human, im the creator” Yeah probably. Actually i know it. And i know He speaks tenderly to my heart in those times and encourages me, and loves me regardless. And yes at the end of the day i still find my peace in crafting (if im good at it) and i still craft. I may rant and rave and shed a few tears, and totally overreact at times but i guess thats just part of it. Good thing i Loves Jesus and let him speak to my heart. Even it He’s telling me to pack up for the night and go to sleep. :/
A grumpy and emotionally drained,
PS. Im NOT a proofreader and never go back to fix anything on here, OBVIOUSLY! So im sorry in the sense you have to read my non perfectionist typing.. Really i am sorry and slightly embarrassed with my jumbled, misspelled, awkward writing. Maybe someday ill have the mind power to go back…? maybe For my sake just know that i do actually know this. And im not like a third grader in my writing, because i actually am a good writer if i want to be. :)