Today, was one of those days. you know the ones where you are 7 months pregnant (huge feeling), the migraine you have been fighting all week finally hits, your on edge with hormones, and yet you still have to dig deeper because its not about you, (Add in some amazing understanding husband) and that was my day. But the Lord used it. He is SO faithful.
As we were attempting to put Bode down for his second nap around 4 my migraine hit full force, and i was completely out of the game laying in bed next to my hubby who was blogging and writing. Bodie was being typical and yelling and doing the retched throw the bink out of the crib thing to stay awake. So i kindly went in there talked nicely to him and gave it back telling him to take a nap. By the third time i had to go in there I was over it, nap time was not happening today. I tried one more time and then plopped back on our bed not able to see straight. Right as i laid down i saw a vision of if i were to totally lose it, like those people that abuse their kids. Funny thing was i wan’t even mad, just sick.
As i saw this, i saw the pure shock and horror on my son’s face. The confusion, heart ache, the horror, of being abused hurt and not knowing why. The Lord was doing it again. Awaking my heart for his children, his abused and neglected children. The Orphans.
The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved.
I am a Father to the Fatherless. My commandment is that you love… as I love. John 15:12 Psalm 68:5
When Bodie was born there were SO many times i would not be able to hold him or just look at him at night. I would wake Dan up and leave the room with a deep weeping and travailing heart. I would see him and see how unfortunate other children were. How he just was able to look around and was so helpless. Not able to do anything, but was fully reliant on me, on us as his parents. I would weep and weep night after night for those who dont have that, who are pushed to the outskirts of life to fend for themselves. Those babies who just laid in their cribs neglected and needing love, or just food, left crying, alone. wondering.
Now today during this migraine i was having the same thing, my heart was sick, i was sick, but i didn’t have anything left. As i laid there and drifted into a hard sleep (which is not normal for me) the Lord was showing me something, working something a layer and step deeper then before.
We need the gift of selflessness. Its one of the greatest things we can ask for. Its like the gift of hunger. Even to step out for a moment, out of our own lives, out of our own circumstances, our own hurt, our own selfishness, is something that is recognized by a Holy God. Jesus was the most and greatest examples we have, (obviously). Its not our nature, its not just ‘in us’, its not what we as humans want. Its a gift, a gift of love. To reach into someones life, even if its to kindly give a slightly anery kid their bink that they threw it out in the first place. It really does mean something, it means you love Jesus, beyond yourself, beyond your circumstances, beyond the moment, it means you love. You love with that unconditional love that expects nothing in return, (maybe for your toddler to take nap somedays, but we cant get picky) ;)
Love bears all things…..”Let us not underestimate how hard it is to be compassionate. Compassion is hard because it requires the inner disposition to go with others to the place where they are weak, vulnerable, lonely, and broken.
I cant wait to have our next, little Elsie, but am kinda unset in the way that i know what is coming. Nights of travail, on top of a newborn. A gift but so hard, hard when you are already totally exhausted. Oh how i want to learn how to be selfless. Even more. In the little, the mundane, in parenting, in being a wife. I want to be like Jesus.
Lord give me the gift of of being Selfless, I want to be like you.
p.s. I wanted to brag on my AMAZING/LOVING husband. No matter how mad or how far i push him, or how bad i want to fight with him in moments he wont ever give in. It can be totally frustrating, well it is. But he is one of the most selfless people i know, for real.
AND today as i was totally grumpy and lazy, and you know pregnant, as i fell asleep with my migraine he cleaned and organized our garage. Like DOMINATED it, pushed the boxes to the sides, moved our dryer to the wall not in the middle of the laundry area AND then he set me up my own craft area with all my stuff, a rug, chair, everything! I was in instant tears when i saw it. He is so wonderful. I love you Babe :)
And I am not going to read through this again because my head is killing and my stomach is sick. So if it makes no sense, has missing words, or is totally jumbled, i will blame the migraine ;)