One thing I have to be careful of in my own heart is looking too deep. I introspect. Which is not a good thing. It either leads to pride or a dark hole of depression. I get looking too deep and end up in a downward spiral.
When Dan and I talk, adult heart talk, I have to keep my guard up, because Dan is very vocal and analytical about life, his calling, and just about everything else. Not because I dont want to hear or support Dan in what the Lord is doing in his heart, but because I do not think on the same track mind as him and I end up in a place of thinking Im doing something wrong. I dont connect the prophetic dots in my life since high school, or know what to read in the word to get to the place the Lord wants me in 30 years, nor do I have a time or date of when anything is going to happen or step into my calling. I dont know if many people think like that but I dont and Dan does. Kind of like as far as the east is from the west are our minds. I dont think about my future on a daily basis, nothing like that. I do my day, keep my heart in constant check, make sure at the end of the day Jesus is my all, pray through out most of it and do it again more or less. I am more inward spirit. I am trying to take hold of the world my mind is in and give it to the Lord amidst life. Motherhood right now. Maybe doing motherhood (obviously it is) is shaping my destiny and preparing me for my calling whatever that may be. I dont know. Im just doing life right now and really loving Jesus along the way.
Well we had one of those conversations. And it was a long one. Dont get me wrong I love to hear what Jesus is doing in my husband, and I love to see his passion and vigor to the things he has been called into. But on our way home I felt so defeated. I felt like, Am I even SAVED!? What am doing, where am I going, am I even doing this right?! And then the tears started to flow. Despite my husbands affirmations to me I still felt like a failure. Not because i compare myself to him by any means just because I SEE and hear what he is doing. He knows where he is going.
So we got home, Els was crying in the crib, (sick and teething make for sleepless nights) and I rushed upstairs to do what I do. I held her for a minute in the dark, trying to calm her down while Dan made her a bottle. As I was swaying her the tears began to flood my eyes. And the Lord spoke so soft and clear.
You are building Cathedrals. Every detail, every, column, every spoken word. Everything that will be or is covered to the naked eye, I see. I have fashioned you…I have made you as a women to love deeper. You are building Cathedrals.
I am the one building the home, I am building and writing the children’s view on eternity. Im the one loving deeply. I went to tuck boy in and just collapsed on the side of his bed, head on him, crying. Letting it all out. Thankfulness, exhaustion, failure, just about all the emotions available to the human frame. This little life was mine to raise, each breath I get to see.
He is going to change the world. She is going to change the world. My husband is shaping lives. I am a servant to Christ. And I AM enough. I love deeper, I am building Cathedrals. I have been fashioned for this purpose.
I dont know how much you are following with me, but lets just say it was profound, a moment I need break through that could only from the voice of the Lord. Not very often does that come to me, in a day, or week, or month, but it came in just the right time last night.
Thank you Lord.
i am building cathedrals
dark yet lovely