Building Cathedrals

One thing I have to be careful of in my own heart is looking too deep. I introspect. Which is not a good thing. It either leads to pride or a dark hole of depression. I get looking too deep and end up in a downward spiral.

When Dan and I talk, adult heart talk, I have to keep my guard up, because Dan is very vocal and analytical about life, his calling, and just about everything else. Not because I dont want to hear or support Dan in what the Lord is doing in his heart, but because I do not think on the same track mind as him and I end up in a place of thinking Im doing something wrong. I dont connect the prophetic dots in my life since high school, or know what to read in the word to get to the place the Lord wants me in 30 years, nor do I have a time or date of when anything is going to happen or step into my calling. I dont know if many people think like that but I dont and Dan does. Kind of like as far as the east is from the west are our minds. I dont think about my future on a daily basis, nothing like that. I do my day, keep my heart in constant check, make sure at the end of the day Jesus is my all, pray through out most of it and do it again more or less. I am more inward spirit. I am trying to take hold of the world my mind is in and give it to the Lord amidst life. Motherhood right now. Maybe doing motherhood (obviously it is) is shaping my destiny and preparing me for my calling whatever that may be. I dont know. Im just doing life right now and really loving Jesus along the way.

Well we had one of those conversations. And it was a long one. Dont get me wrong I love to hear what Jesus is doing in my husband, and I love to see his passion and vigor to the things he has been called into. But on our way home I felt so defeated. I felt like, Am I even SAVED!? What am doing, where am I going, am I even doing this right?! And then the tears started to flow. Despite my husbands affirmations to me I still felt like a failure. Not because i compare myself to him by any means just because I SEE and hear what he is doing. He knows where he is going.

Introspection.

So we got home, Els was crying in the crib, (sick and teething make for sleepless nights) and I rushed upstairs to do what I do. I held her for a minute in the dark, trying to calm her down while Dan made her a bottle. As I was swaying her the tears began to flood my eyes. And the Lord spoke so soft and clear.

You are building Cathedrals. Every detail, every, column, every spoken word. Everything that will be or is covered to the naked eye, I see.  I have fashioned you…I have made you as a women to love deeper. You are building Cathedrals.

I am the one building the home, I am building and writing the children’s view on eternity. Im the one loving deeply. I went to tuck boy in and just collapsed on the side of his bed, head on him, crying. Letting it all out. Thankfulness, exhaustion, failure, just about all the emotions available to the human frame. This little life was mine to raise, each breath I get to see.

He is going to change the world. She is going to change the world. My husband is shaping lives. I am a servant to Christ. And I AM enough. I love deeper, I am building Cathedrals. I have been fashioned for this purpose.

I dont know how much you are following with me, but lets just say it was profound, a moment I need break through that could only from the voice of the Lord. Not very often does that come to me, in a day, or week, or month, but it came in just the right time last night.

Thank you Lord.

i am building cathedrals
dark yet lovely  

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Labor Guessing Game

I figured i would let everyone know what has been going on and where im at in this pregnancy right now. I have a moment while everyone is occupied and Boy is sleeping. Warning this is going ot be a bit long winded just so you know what really is going on.. :) I left alot out for the sake of being able to get through it all…

Thursday Night:

Around the 6th i started getting alot of Braxton Hicks Contractions which by the end of the night ended up being real ones, like my whole stomach tightening. I decided to just wait things out to see if i would feel better in the morning since i wasn’t in any kind of pain or discomfort, which i did. On that Tuesday they started up again, and by Thursday afternoon i was getting cramping in my lower stomach with each one. So i decided to head to the hospital after a bit of convincing just to be sure things were ok, and didn’t have some kind of infection causing the contractions (I did with Bodie at this time).

Once we finally got to the hospital and i got hooked up i saw the Dr. on duty which summed me up to being dehydrated, which was totally upsetting b/c i knew i wasn’t and there was something else going on. They checked me and i was actually dilated to a smallish one, (no big deal at all). So they kept monitoring me and and I was getting normal contractions that were getting more regular and stronger. After a few hours they checked me again and i was dilated more. They also told me they would not be able to deliver the baby at that hospital b/c they only deliver after 36 weeks, for the baby’s safety and would have to transfer me (that night by ambulance) to the other brach downtown where they have a NICU. Basically the complete ghetto that you aren’t able to walk around the building and #1 in trauma in KC due to all the people wandering in off the street with gun shot and other wounds. Uh, what?! *cue all emotional stress and hormones*

Keeping all the factors of the day in mind: hadn’t eaten dinner, Bodie was at a friends going with no nap towards bed time, and i had already been there about 4 hours, and Dan had just left to put Boy to bed and have a friend come stay at our house while we were gone. It was super stressful.

They ordered me an ultrasound to be sure i was progressing, which i was. When i got back from the ultrasound i was given an IV which took four tries all over my arms, with alot of digging for my veins, and then another ultrasound to be sure baby was head down. The nurse told me i was about 90% for having the baby that night and needed to prepared myself for delivery. I think you can imagine the shock at this point. I was most likely having this baby tonight AND not with My midwife or at my hospital….!??!

At this point in the night everything was a complete blur. I was an emotional wreak, not being ready for all this so early, Dan was still gone trying to figure out what to do with Bodie if this goes down, I was shaking like a leaf, and the Dr.s were zipping in and out of the room. Complete Chaos. On top of everything going on with my body trying to go into full labor.

So When Dan arrived back at the hospital is was around 10pm. We waited another hour for the ambulance to arrive and they gave me a medicine called Procardia (sp?) to stop or slow labor so they could transport me. Which began working right away. My contractions were still coming just as ofter just not as strong and i didn’t have anymore pain.  I finally was shipped off to the other hospital and Dan followed in the car so we would have it when we left.

Once i got to the hospital downtown no one was willing to actually help me or tell me what to do. I stood at the receptionist desk holding my own IV bag with its ten foot tubes dragging on the floor and  my open gown on the verge of showing everything. The men that transferred me actually waited and made them help tell me what to do. Oh and Dan wasn’t allowed to come see for twenty minutes. Seriously i have no idea why, i think it was honestly just to be a pain. At this point we had been going through everything in the hospitals since around 6 and it was now past midnight.

I was hooked up and checked again which I had only progressed to a two since taking the medicine. So she said she would be back in a ‘bit’ to recheck me for progress. (alot of extra was going on bewtween all this). SO two hours later she came back and i was in the clear to finally go home since the medicine did what it needed to do for now.

As far as i know and have been communicated with i need to head back in if my contractions get strong again or have any pain. Thats it…

The next morning, two hours after getting home, i woke up with True labor in progress, i was having to fully breathing through contractions and in a TON of pain, so i decided to hop in the bath since it was only 2 hours after we had just gotten home. And no kidding the second i sat down everything stopped and was fine, no pain, no really hard make me sick contractions. Amazing. So we decided not to head back.

I had some of the worst migraines and soreness that next day due to all the stress, lack of sleep, and the medication they gave me to stop labor. I had to sit in the same position for over 9 hours and was so sore mainly my tailbone and back. It was such a blessing dan called into work (no way i could have even functioned on my own), and Dan’s mom flew into town that day as well. Which was such a blessing.

Where Im at now:

Dan’s mom was planning on coming for the week and after all the events decided to fly in two days early. She has been a HUGE blessing in the everything help department, especially since i am trying to be on some sort of easy going schedule. :)

I am still having contractions, but not really any pain most of the time. Basically im in early labor, but could go on like this of another full month and still have to be induced. So really its a guessing game. Im trying to hold out to go get checked or try to have this baby till at least this Friday 36 week mark, so i will be able to deliver at our hospital and with my midwife.

Right now, i am completely not at peace. I hate not knowing whats going on with my body, and not knowing anything about my situation.

I am so physically tired from a full week of ‘early labor’ i dont have anything left in me at this point. Even though Im not in any sort of ‘pain’ with all the constant contractions (atleast ten an hour, which doesn’t seem like alot but they aren’t BH) i had no idea how much they weigh on your body. My emotions are drained, from my hormones going through the roof the last few days and from being so tired.

I am weak, in every aspect of the word. physically, emotionally, spiritually, everything. I need prayer, alot of it. I literally can not do this for an entire month. There is honestly no way. I just cry when i think of things and where we are at. On the edge of guessing, and not being able to do anything. Im praying we have her early, i want to go into labor (after Friday). I know thats selfish, and she will come when she is ready, but at this point i dont care. I dont want you to think i dont want her to be perfectly healthy, or anything, because i want that more then anything or anyone. The constant reminder of her being able to come at any point with every contraction through the day is unbearable. Not unbearable like in the last few weeks just he anxiousness, but unbearable in the sense of unendurable. Which is not fully true because i have the Lord but i think you know what i mean.  The weakness im feeling is like nothing i have ever been through even at my worst. I think i need a sign to say ‘checked out’, or ‘over it’ hanging around my neck. ;)

Please just pray for me, i dont know how to really write what i am going through, i dont know that there are words mainly there have just been those hot tears that pour down my face, or complete frustration. Prayer will be good. Pray for strength in every way, emotionally, and physically. Pray she is perfectly healthy and ready to come. Pray she does come early. We are ready, my body is ready, my heart is prepared. I cant do this for an entire month.

I know this got a bit raw and totally scattered/jumpy, but i want you to know where Im at so you know, and i have out it out there to be real. I dont want this to be a sympathy post on me, at all, thats not why i put it up. I just need prayer.

OK, well i knew this would get a little long winded and if you did make it to the end thanks for listening and caring. :) I will be keeping you all updated on what is going on, or not going on…

<3 Ash

Where Im At

I wanted to post a quick blog with where im at. Just so you know and i keep my blogging real and raw.

Sometimes I have the words and sometimes I dont. Today is one of the ‘dont’ days so bear with me. I also want to say this shouldn’t be any means be heavy or sound depressing :)

Reality is I am a missionary. I have chosen that simple lifestyle to walk out what to Lord is teaching me and pushing towards. Thats why i live in Kansas City, away from family, and forced to lean on others, and make new friends. Its not always easy. Most of the time its not easy, but there is grace, and there are the few dear people that the Lord has placed in my (and Dan’s) life to help, laugh, and love us too.  I have been called to stay home and raise my kids with the understanding and desire of the Lord at a very young age. I wouldn’t rather be anywhere else in the world, but there are days its just so hard.

Its a blessing that Bodie takes up literally 100% of my time. He doesn’t like to be entertained, not in the least bit. His heart and personality come alive when he is a part or helping. Mostly helping, helping with vacuuming, dishes, dusting, anything cleaning. Which helps a bit with staying on top of it at times. ;) But have no time to put him down to color or watch a tv show for a few while I do something. Which isn’t what i want to do but there are days i could use 30 min, just to craft or something that my heart loves. I can do those things when Dan gets home (some days) or during his nap. But to be honest I am completely brain dead and exhausted by that time of the day.

At night I find the time once everyone is asleep, to do some blog surfing, which i love, and have the brain power to do. I get so many of my projects and ideas for that time.

The thing is, i get SO discouraged reading and looking into the blogging community.  I think its awesome that they are home moms of multiple kiddos AND still have time to craft and blog AND have the endless supply of money to do it all (props to them, seriously). But my life isn’t at that point. Bodie isn’t one of those kids that will play and entertain himself for a period of time more then 3 minutes. I mostly feel like a failure, i have a blog, i have the passions and creativity to create, i love thrifting, I love decorating, i love vintage, i love photos, all of it, i just do not have the time right now. Thats the (hidden) blessing in Bodie I think, as hard as the days are, I dont have time to push his heart coming alive and learning about how to handle life just to fit into the ‘blogging community’. And its not that i want to fit in or that its exclusive in anyway, b/c its not, but at times i want to be able to do the same thing. Its just not worth it. I am a missionary, and my family is my first priority.

I was really debating on putting the kids in the same room (Bodie’s room is big) and taking the same bedroom for a craft room and music for dan room. But the reality i had to except was, how much time am i really able to give to crafting right now and with Elsie on the way. Not enough, not enough to have a room to myself, not enough that i couldn’t set up something in the basement/garage area for when i DO have the time.

Reality is im living in Kansas City for a reason. I have left my family for a reason. Its a beautiful and glorious thing, but so hard to see past today.

THERE IS A REASON. THERE IS A POINT. THERE IS A GOD WHO SEES MY FRAIL HEART. THERE IS ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS THE TENSION, AND I WILL BE REWARDED FOR LAYING MY LIFE DOWN AT NO COST.

.it will all be worth it.

I have to keep telling myself that, like i said its hard to see past the mundane, boring, hard, difficult days. But it will all be worth it in the end.

I have to say the Lord has put a dear friend in my life out here in KC. My neighbor across the street Anne. She has a  daughter about 6 months older then Bodie and is pregnant with her second too. She has the same heart and creativity as i do, probably even more so, but life is yelling louder then crafting. I know she understands. And she is such a blessing in helping me keep my head sane, when i think im the only one going through a insane day with my hormones, or Bodie is being the worst kid on Earth, or not sleeping. She is there and real and has the same problems. Thank you Lord for my friend Anne. :)

{Thank you Anne, for being real and raw with life, i need that, and i want  you to know that you are doing wonderful, because i can see it, i see the fruit, even in the mundane. And even though we dont ever seem to see each other in our short friendship i appreciate you and hold you dear. :) }

Anyways, reality is that i want to do all my revamps, sewing, diy’s, decorating, and post them on here for you all to see and be inspired, but my life is louder and my main calling especially right now. The times of seeing Bodie’s heart come alive when he is turning the vacuuming on and off while i try and clean, and disciplining him in a way that shows tenderness like Jesus (not always, im still learning), and spending that time with my husband at night once bodie goes down is at the top of my list right now. And its awesome, just a selfish pill to swallow somedays, but,

.there is a reason. there is a point.

I AM LIVING FOR ANOTHER AGE

Thats where im at, and how i feel, mostly in a jumbled mess of thoughts and rants, but there we go. I will try and post some of my projects and other stuff on here through time, but it wont be regular, and it will prob be very brief. :)

~Ash

Thank you too Babe for supporting my crafting and mostly unfortunate thrifting sprees even when we dont have the money. I love you a whole lot <3

Quick Vent

Well, its the second day of Onething, and im sitting at home with a sick and grumpy kiddo. Awesome. Last night i was kinda over it once Bodie started to get tired and unmanageable. Which is ok, i have a lot to do over the next few days and cleaning to get done. Lots of cleaning, and getting ready for the New Year.

Its been a rough few days. Made much easier by my family being in town, but still hard with a kiddo who has attitude and is sick. :/ Not to mention he lost my phone. It hasn’t been seen in a few days, and is turned off. We searched the house, every little nook and cranny and its still not here. Im hoping Bodie didn’t through it in the trash thats being taken out this morning. it has every video on it since Bodie was born. I think over 500, which would totally break my heart.

Last night I went to the book store on the way out of the conference and we bought a book called, “if Jesus were a Parent”. not my kinda book but it was written by some people that i see the fruit in all of their kids lives. All four of them (three were triplets) are given to full time ministry and have such tender hearts. One of our IHOP leaders Dana Candler is one of their daughters.  So needless to say i will be devouring the book and praying our next little one will be much calmer and easier to handle or it may be our last. ;)

Its been one of these kinda days, please pray for me to find my phone BEFORE the new year thanks :/

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Ash

We’re having a She

Im sitting here while Dan is feeding Bodie dinner and have a bit to update.  I wanted to update you all one on our little She. I know im a totally lame blogger lately with no pictures of fun stuff, but im working on that, and stuff like doing the dishes first! haha

We are having a GIRL. Quite the surprise let me tell you. :)

With our first ultrasound the tech thought ‘Bebe’ was looking more like a him, but told us it could go either way at that point. We are about 14 and a half weeks then, and we found out with what bodie was at 15 weeks on the dot. So I just figured it was a boy, because i had to have something. ;) With our last ultrasound we had a very crusty lady who was super rude to us as parents. Anyway, at the end she told us its a girl…..

WHAT?!

Of course it was so shocking I cried, and was overwhelmed with joy. We both were. A new dynamic to our little family. As we left the hospital, i think it was more sobriety setting in and nerves.

A girl? What the heck am i going to do with a girl?

Not anything in a bad way, but more of how am i going to do this. A whole new place then i have ever been before. Im not a dolls and ‘princess’ kinda girl anyways. Actually i hate dolls because they are extremely creepy and scary. Always have.

I cant wait for the tutu’s, chucks, crazy hair, little girl. That will be a blast, but she wont have a choice. It will be fun and exciting, and a roller coaster, and you know…..all of the above. :) I do really look forward to all the wonderful baby girl sewing projects out there, and summer will be a great time for some of those! Lets hope sewing itsn’t one of those things that make me hit my ‘limit’ :/ haha

OK moving on.

Everything finally seemed to fall into place one we found out it was a girl. We had absolutely NO boy names that we even liked, and really had no other connection with this one being a boy.  She is totally calm and easy going. Very chill in our ultrasounds, and everyday. Bodie had much harder kicks, and felt like he was literally doing cartwheels and sucker punches to my bladder. She is very soft moving, and more just feels like she is adjusting to get comfortable, or moving her hands and feet. Nothing to dramatic, not yet atleast.

As far as our name we picked out, i gave a few hints awhile back. but here is her name and how we came across it. :)

Elsie Joy

I actually found the name Elsie a long time before we ever were pregnant. I was searching girls names, and came across a sight that went back to the 1800’s top 150 names of that time. AWESOME! So i went to the late 1800’s and very early 1900’s. I saw the name Elsie a few times in each year, but hadn’t said anything to Dan yet. Every time i saw it i liked it even more, to the point i was looking for it in the next year. I let Dan search with me and he mentioned it. Which normally we dont agree on names so that in its self was a miracle. We searched for a bit longer still with out talking and he told me to go look the meaning up. So we did and were instantly sold and fell in LOVE. Not to long after that while i was searching the popularity of the name I came across an amazing little blogger over at A Beautiful Mess (such a wonderful blog I follow now). Before i found out we were having a girl and after i found our name, i was on the Vintage Pearl’s site browsing. Low and behold one of her main pictures had the name Elsie on it pared with Eden (Bodie’s friend across the street is named Eden) :) Wow, the Lord was really doing something with preparing my heart for our little girl. In so many different ways.  Her name means;

My God is a Vow

As far as the name Joy, my Grandma’s middle name is Joy. When she told me that when i was really little i was 100% sold on naming my little girl that. As i got older i realized it is actually a name thats pretty common, especially in the christian realm of life. Oh well.  Im not in the least bit concerned with the popularity of the names anymore. Of course i dont want them to burst out, i still love the more original names that are in the background of life. :)

There you have it. Little Miss. Elsie Joy will be making her first marks and screams in the world around April 15th! Until then..

Ash

I hope you understand i do not go back and proof read… Nope never, so im sure it sounds and is spelled terrible, but my mommy duties are calling way, WAY louder at the moment, and while i type mostly too a second set of little fingers seems to always find the delete button ;)

Perfectionism

I think i just need to blog and let off some steam. Yeah… Incase you missed it and for much reason of this blog here is my last tweet:

“i suck at life, and hate crafting..and being a perfectionest…#overreacting i know >:(”

I know im a perfectionist, i always have been. I think its a terrible curse that i love crafting, and creating and such. Its one of the only things in ife that relieves my stress and calms me down after a long day. I (should) find alot of peace in it. But the honest truth is, im not good at it (at times). There i said it. I want to be, and i imagine im am, but truth is i don’t have ‘it’. My mind and my hands are apparently not connected in that way.  Not in the way i would like them to be at least.

I . am . a . perfectionist

I get frustrated at the smallest hiccup, waver of the pen, just whatever it maybe. About half of the time i end up in tears at myself, because im not happy unless its perfect.

Tonight i used up all my favorite paper, my beloved paper i have been saving, because i couldn’t write something out exactly how i had wanted it or pictured it. dang it.

My husband can do something and wether its perfect or totally not what he wanted he is fine with it. It honest to goodness boggles me how he can be so ‘eh, its fine’ mindset with crafting. I mean how can you not want it to look amazing and flawless?!

I think thats why SO SO SO many of my projects are never displayed or shown. Im not completely happy with it, i mean they maybe ok, or good, but who whats to see that, gross not me, not if its mine in my house. Im sure everyone sees their own faults in stuff, or stuff they have made, but it kinda ruins it for me (in MY stuff). Funny cause i think a little hiccup or something in someone else’s is a wonderful character of the project.

I know im just ranting, but its been years in the making.  I remember a little project a friend of mind and i did when we were younger. You know the make it yourself kits? Yeah she got one for Christmas one year, and it was a make your own scrunchie (sp) kit. Im talking younger…haha Anyways all you had to do was take a strip of fabric and put a elastic band with a clasp through it and clasp it.  Of course the fabric was about 11inches long and the elastic thing was 3inches long so you had to work it through. It would pop out and you would have to start over..I think you get the idea. I remember getting so angry and being in tears, I finally threw the thing across the room and never picked it up again (with not a single regret to this day). Seriously i was so mad at that dumb thing i couldn’t control myself. So from then on i knew my limit.

Guitar Hero is one of the few things that is that limit. I know not to even pick it up and try.

I want whatever ‘it’ is to be wonderful and something other people want to do. Like blogging, i surf all the time and just admire all the beautiful blogs out there and their ability to work out their schedules to do it all the time, and craft and make all their own food, etc! haha But i cant, and i think thats why i neglect my blog at times, because its just another blog, and poorly put together. But i guess thats just how it is at times. And yet my family and a few others still read it to keep up on us. Go figure.

I dont know how to just let it go and be happy about it. I know i have my ‘off’ nights ‘ but really.  I dont know how to overcome this perfectionism in me. I have tried for years, seriously, but cant.

The worst part is that im seeing it come out in Bodie. He is easily frustrated when something is not working like it previously was. With alot he does have endurance, but somethings, he loses it. Just like momma. Great out of all my genes he got that. Poor guy, i know how to help him work through it, and even giggle at him at times, i mean come on bud your only one.

Im sure that thats what the Lord does with me too. Giggles, (well actually He probably thunders at my total overreaction) at me and thinks “Its ok Ash your only human, im the creator” Yeah probably. Actually i know it. And  i know He speaks tenderly to my heart in those times and encourages me, and loves me regardless. And yes at the end of the day i still find my peace in crafting (if im good at it) and i still craft. I may rant and rave and shed a few tears, and totally overreact at times but i guess thats just part of it. Good thing i Loves Jesus and let him speak to my heart. Even it He’s telling me to pack up for the night and go to sleep. :/

A grumpy and emotionally drained,

Ash :)

PS. Im NOT a proofreader and never go back to fix anything on here, OBVIOUSLY!  So im sorry in the sense you have to read my non perfectionist typing.. Really i am sorry and slightly embarrassed with my jumbled, misspelled, awkward writing. Maybe someday ill have the mind power to go back…? maybe For my sake just know that i do actually know this. And im not like a third grader in my writing, because i actually am a good writer if i want to be. :)

 

 

Not so original?

You know when you go to the park and hear something you thought was special to you by another mom, and your heart stops, your slightly hyperventilate, and you leave your shattered heart at the park..?

Well that moment happened to me the other day. We do have a girls name picked out for this little one if it is a girl, we’ve had it for a long time now and it was something i thought was totally non-existent as of being popular now.  Wrong, with all my blog surfing ive even stumbled and followed a blog with the Girls names the author. I just hadn’t connected the dots till now. But thats fine b/c she is older and not in the same generation. haha

Turns out we are at the park and a mom and her few little ones showed up. We were all having a great time chasing everyone around and the mom called her daughter by OUR girls name… WHAT?! *que the above situation*

I looked at Dan and he looked at me knowing i was upset and we decided to leave and take a drive. i may have been over reacting but really..? I love names that aren’t the ones on the top 100 baby names list, and is a little more unique. Dont get me wrong, i dont like names that are just totally out of this world, but names that aren’t completely popular at the time.

I actually came across the name on a 1910’s top baby name list.  I saw it a few times before and it kept catching my eye. So I mentioned it to Dan and he told me to look up the meaning.  Once we saw that we were sold.

I guess either way we are sold and in love with the name. (unless i have more park, heart shattering experiences) ;)

Heres a clue, its not hard, but lets just make this fun…

The name is a form of Elizabeth.

AND just because i hate surprises and guessing games myself ill give you another clue :)

The meanign is: My God is a vow

If you ALREADY know the name dont comment and ruin it… :)

Ash

And here is a semi updated picture of this pregnancy. This is about the VERY beginning of 15 weeks..? Im 16 now.  :) Movin alog