Sunsets and Stars

Oh the glorious splendor of Your majesty, and on Your wondrous works I will meditate.

Ps. 145:5

Last night the kids and I went to the grocery store alone. While we were driving the sun was setting. It was a big orange sun hanging on the horizon with a yellow and orange sky fading into the night. Bodie took note of it really for the first time. He saw the sun and exclaimed “Wooow!!” pointing. When I realized when he was seeing we talked about how Jesus made the sun, and he colored it. He just sat there so content and filled with wonder. His eyes were somewhat distant as he thought about what I had just said. Then looked at me and yelled “Yay” while clapping. Which he does when he is proud of someone, or something I made. ;) We talked abut how pretty it was, and he threw in how it reminded him of his friend Eden… (uh oh) ;)

Later after a riot against me in the grocery store we were quickly heading to the car and he saw the only two starts that exist in KC in the sky and Boy did the same as he did with the sun. I told him they were stars (his favorite shape like his momma) and again he related it back to how awesome it was and of course Eden. I asked him if he thought she could see them from home and if we will see them when we get home. He responded with a duh mom kind of ‘yeah’. The faith like a child!

It was something that finally had shifted in this two year old. Something I have been anxiously waiting for. To behold the Lamb in all of creation. To see such captivation in him really seeing it, and knowing it was Jesus who made it was so awesome. A new kind of wonder captivated him for a moment. Its the beginning of a journey into the knowledge of Jesus, and i got to see it. The kindness of the Lord will forever astound me!

Just incase you forgot how cute he used to be ;)

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Uniqueness of the Heart

It is the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings is to search out a matter.

Pr. 25:2

This last week has been a beating on us as a family. Bodie has been much more emotional and defiant then normal. Tantrums, yelling, and time out have literally been running our home this last week. My house has never been this messy, I have have been battling headaches and migraines for days, Elsie has gracefully taken the back burner to her brother, Bode has been very sick and recovering, and Dan is steadily loving us in all of our chaos.

I never imagined parenting easy by any means, but I also never imagined having a ‘bodie’ either. He will truly change the world, and has the strength to do it completely by himself. I dont say that lightly or as a pep talk to myself, but in all honestly he lives life to the absolute fullest in the good or bad. And being a mom to one of ‘those’ is not easy either. Why or how the Lord chooses is a mystery to me. Maybe I need the change more then most..

Everything seems to be a down this last week with him and a battle royal for us. Not getting to watch movies, or a veggie Tales, or getting a cookie when he demands, milk after we pour juice and the list goes on and on to even the smallest battles of not crunching crackers on the floor and having his bink not just for bed.

Something has to give at some point. We have tried every kind of discipline, love, everything. But the tantrums and screaming still exists. Im not a crazy bootcamp kind of mom but my kids are going to be respectful and kind and loving even when they dont want to, because thats love. The Father treats us the same.

At my breaking point today in prayer and searching out wisdom on his heart and stewarding it rightly as a parent, the lord spoke so softly,

 I carry your heart unique to you, to how you were created.     Why would you handle his any different?

Oh….. right. If im not dealing with his heart in the way it was formed and feels loved how will I ever bring discipline unto him desiring Jesus through it all. Im not talking unique in boy and girl and every child is different kinda way, but in how we were created and how we are loved.  A very seasoned mother told me one time “Just be a ‘yes’ mom”. Until today I thought that was crazy. After yet another humbling and banging my head kind week Im beginning to understand.

With Bodie, everything is a battle, unless one of us gives. His heart needs some yes’es. So maybe that means a cookie for a snack, or an extra movie. The kids doesnt take any down time in the day and has to work twice as hard as any of us. Why not? When it is purely out of desire and not out of boredom or replacing something like a movie for something.

At the end of the day, does he have joy, peace, love, know love, give love, seek Jesus? Thats what matters. Not if he uses a bink at two Im pretty sure he wont have it in high school. (hopefully) Even today i said yes and let him go watch Dragons while I cleaned and played with Elsie. He has yet to be disobedient or anything. If anything he is happy, Elsie got momma time and i got the house slightly picked up. I would say that is a win. Movies is an easy example right now, but even in a movie he chills out, afterwards he uses his imagination way more, his talking is better, and he is happy and able to love on his sister more.

Now my home isnt turning over to free for all, I love my kids too much or that. And flat disobedience is different then battles…But a ‘yes’ and even discipline each go further when carrying a heart unique to how it was created I am going to be a yes mom. And I will carry his heart rightly, and i will love past my knowledge through Jesus.  It may not look text book, but it works. Even past my own ideas and walls, I will love rightly.

If you had not seen of my twitter feed, bodie is a healing kinda man. thats what his heart prays for on a consistent basis outside of us and our nudgings. He has prayed for me multiple times and has had instant results. the other day I woke up with full blown pink eye, showered got ready did the morning and it was still there hours later. I had Boy pray for me and within 20 minutes it was 100% gone and I was healed! Lets hear an AMEN! ;) Oh to have faith like a child!!

Parenting is not easy but it truly is a honour to search it out. 

Tension Within

Last night I was in the prayer room, after a very long day with sick and crying kiddos. So needless to say it felt so good just to get a time with Jesus outside of the chaos at home.

The Lord started to draw me back to the incarnation, how Jesus is fully God and fully man. He was speaking to my heart on a new level of the tension in His heart, He has the same frame and build as us. He literally took on our dust so that we could be His people. He brought reconciliation from God to man.

He belongs and rightly sits upon the throne in Heaven, in all of His holiness and purity, He longs and desires for us to be with Him where He is. Because He is man and we are like Him, made in His likeness.

Jesus is our {only} satisfaction and the {only} way we can be content with who we are and what we were created to do, is to be with Him. Im not saying He needs us because He is God, but He sets His heart on us, desires that we would be with Him. That we would stand in holiness, purity, love. That we could dwell with Him unbridled in all of His splendor. He is satisfied when we are with Him.

We see this in part now, in small glimpses, and gestures from Him as He serves us daily and in each season. He loves to come a dwell among His people. Thats whats really coming! There is coming a day, that Jesus will roll the sky up like a veil, riding on the clouds, with His legion of angles and come for me, for each one of us. He will come and take up His beloved and we will be with Him where He is, and He will be our God. It will be as it once was in the garden. Jesus is going to bring restoration, through Himself to the earth. We will walk in the cool of the day with Him. Our souls cries out to Him in the darkness searching for its Beloved. Just as deep calls out to deep, so our soul recognizes its beginning and longs to be with its Author Creator.

Its where we belong and where He is satisfied with our intimacy and full devotion.

Our King is a real man, sitting on the throne as a real God.
and He is Jealous for your sweet nothings.
For jealously is a husbands fury.

HE IS LOVE.
HE IS RIGHTEOUS.
HIS NAME IS JESUS.
AND
HE IS GOD.
HE IS MAN.

His affections are for me
I am Dark but Lovely 

 

Building Cathedrals

One thing I have to be careful of in my own heart is looking too deep. I introspect. Which is not a good thing. It either leads to pride or a dark hole of depression. I get looking too deep and end up in a downward spiral.

When Dan and I talk, adult heart talk, I have to keep my guard up, because Dan is very vocal and analytical about life, his calling, and just about everything else. Not because I dont want to hear or support Dan in what the Lord is doing in his heart, but because I do not think on the same track mind as him and I end up in a place of thinking Im doing something wrong. I dont connect the prophetic dots in my life since high school, or know what to read in the word to get to the place the Lord wants me in 30 years, nor do I have a time or date of when anything is going to happen or step into my calling. I dont know if many people think like that but I dont and Dan does. Kind of like as far as the east is from the west are our minds. I dont think about my future on a daily basis, nothing like that. I do my day, keep my heart in constant check, make sure at the end of the day Jesus is my all, pray through out most of it and do it again more or less. I am more inward spirit. I am trying to take hold of the world my mind is in and give it to the Lord amidst life. Motherhood right now. Maybe doing motherhood (obviously it is) is shaping my destiny and preparing me for my calling whatever that may be. I dont know. Im just doing life right now and really loving Jesus along the way.

Well we had one of those conversations. And it was a long one. Dont get me wrong I love to hear what Jesus is doing in my husband, and I love to see his passion and vigor to the things he has been called into. But on our way home I felt so defeated. I felt like, Am I even SAVED!? What am doing, where am I going, am I even doing this right?! And then the tears started to flow. Despite my husbands affirmations to me I still felt like a failure. Not because i compare myself to him by any means just because I SEE and hear what he is doing. He knows where he is going.

Introspection.

So we got home, Els was crying in the crib, (sick and teething make for sleepless nights) and I rushed upstairs to do what I do. I held her for a minute in the dark, trying to calm her down while Dan made her a bottle. As I was swaying her the tears began to flood my eyes. And the Lord spoke so soft and clear.

You are building Cathedrals. Every detail, every, column, every spoken word. Everything that will be or is covered to the naked eye, I see.  I have fashioned you…I have made you as a women to love deeper. You are building Cathedrals.

I am the one building the home, I am building and writing the children’s view on eternity. Im the one loving deeply. I went to tuck boy in and just collapsed on the side of his bed, head on him, crying. Letting it all out. Thankfulness, exhaustion, failure, just about all the emotions available to the human frame. This little life was mine to raise, each breath I get to see.

He is going to change the world. She is going to change the world. My husband is shaping lives. I am a servant to Christ. And I AM enough. I love deeper, I am building Cathedrals. I have been fashioned for this purpose.

I dont know how much you are following with me, but lets just say it was profound, a moment I need break through that could only from the voice of the Lord. Not very often does that come to me, in a day, or week, or month, but it came in just the right time last night.

Thank you Lord.

i am building cathedrals
dark yet lovely  

Captivating

Today I was doing dishes and cooking and decided it was time to light a candle.

As I made my way to the table with the lighter I decided to light it and let Els see the flame and see what her reaction would be. As I lit it she was instantly consumed, not breaking eye contact and captivated. I kinda giggled to myself suprised at her reaction and went along my way. She watched the candle on the table for a long time and would keep going back to it from time to time. I told her that Jesus’ eyes looked like that…..

As I thought about it later I couldn’t help but think,

Is it any surprise that humans are captivated by fire? How we can sit around the fire for hours just gazing into the flicker? Isn’t it amazing how we can watch the ocean ebb and flow for hours and yet its never the same tide? Or how relaxing the sea breeze is to the soul? We are captivated by beauty. By creation. By Him.

The things in creation that I can think of that trump beauty and are nothing short of breath taking, are the thing made to stand out and show who He is, what He’s like.The ocean and its vastness, and mountains and their majesty, the expanse of space holding each star and constellation, the wind’s whisper, the sunset as its painted across the sky, the array of emotions or the intricacy of the human heart, the consuming flames of a fire, the delicacy of a flower, the colors of a rainbow, the flash of lighting and the boom of its thunder. And to think thats only describing Him?!

I was talking with a friend just the other day about thinking about the Lord as ‘everlasting’ was hard for me. He is just so great and eternal, yet never changing, never decreasing, and never growing. He just IS. The Holy Spirit broke in with that still small voice and said,

I am like the seasons Ash. Always new and fresh. Yet always a new year and New season, but still the same. Summer, Fall, Winter, Spring. Summer, Fall, Winter, Spring.

I dont think I need to expound there.. ;) He tends to layman’s it for me, yet it seems so profound.

Then it kinda struck me. Watching Elsie be utterly and completely captivated by the flame, I want to be like that. She was so captivated and still, yet she was scared. But never once did she break eye contact. Her eyes were fixated on it, no matter how long or how many times I did it, she stared just like it was the first time. There was once where she actually slowly and uneasily put her hand out to try and touch it and boy scared her. It was so precious (on my track of mind) to see her reach out but yet when she got scared she pulled her hand away and just stared.

I want to be captivated with Jesus like that every time he crosses my mind like it was the first. To behold the holy, fierce, loving God, looking back at me for my gaze, for my captivation, my fear, and my love, for my undivided attention. I want to behold Him like its all so new. I want Him to be my soul captivation, just like a child. I want it to be my prayer day in and day out.

“I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God {Jesus} like a little child will never enter it.”

Eternity Speaking- Misty Edwards

While we were on our trip across America for the two wedding this last two weeks we had our old ipods going and this quick blip of Misty’s come on. Its a 14 minute blip to music. If any of you have ever heard Misty preach, she preaches with such passion its hard not to listen and take in every word. She is INTENSE!

It is a quick teaching/yelling to music that holds so dear to my heart. I listened to this everyday faithfully at work or driving for almost a year. it got me through so much and kept my eyes straight, and not grasping after the wind. I though of how wonderful it had been to me in the past and i wanted to share it.  I would completely recommend listening to one of her sermons. She speaks my language. Here is a link to a few of her own teachings.
http://www.mistyedwards.com/ 

I hope it speaks to you like it had for me :)

Here is the link to THIS actual sermon as she says it, i hope I got it right, but i do have two kiddos and a husband so……….. You can listen as you read mine or whatever you prefer.

http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=K6GLPNNX 

Eternity Speaking

We use words like friend of God, or we use words like experience God, and I don’t think we really know what we’re talking about. We’re talking about a Being, a vast uncontainable, undefinable, outside if time, Being. That we so flippantly talk about called God. Before time began He was, this vast expanse, I mean you cant get outside of Him. You could go to the very edge of the edge of the edge and still God is there.

He is Undefinable, He is.

And this is eternal life to know this Being. And the knowledge of God leads to the love of God. And Jesus said it, He says, “If you know Me and if you abide in Me, you will love.” And this is a generation who will have visions, and visitations and will see things that no other generation has ever seen, but at the end of the day, Did you learn to love? Did you learn to Love? At the end of the day when its all said and done and you are just a naked human soul before the throne of God, Did you learn to Love?

Life is a Vapor.
For real.
Life is a vapor, and you are not of this world.
For real.

Its not just a nice song, its not just a nice thought, its not an escapism just to kinda get out of responsibility, its a reality. You are not of this world. You are going to die in about 50 years, for real, maybe sooner at best. Life is a vapor. You are going to die, sooner then you think. You are going to face the uncreated One, in your barrenness, in your raw self, you are going to face the uncreated One.

All flesh is grass fading away.
Only You last only You remain.

But what you do in this age with your heart response in love is the only thing, the only thing, the only thing that matters. In the truest sense of the word. Why are you here? To choose love. You are made for the uncreated One. And the one thing He wants from you is your voluntary love. He wants you to stand without offense, and He wants you to stand in the knowledge of Him, in voluntary love. And one of the number one ways that voluntary love is expressed is through pouring out your life for your brothers and your sisters. It is a violent, a Violent reaction when you go against the current of the age,and you say, “I will not live for myself, I will not live pursuing my own way, I will not built my own kingdom, I will not go my own way, but I will choose to go low, in humility. I will serve my brother, I will serve my sister, I will lift them up making them greater then I. Knowing in the age to come I am storing up riches, upon riches, upon riches, which in just a moment I will see.

It is a violent thing to stand in an age of lovelessness. It is a violent thing to stand in love, before the uncreated One and say, “I want to love you with all my heart, You who I cant not see.

May my life scream transcendence.

There is a God, and he has a Son. And His affections are on me. And the expressions of those affections in this darkened word is my life poured out. The reason why the greatest expression of Love in this age is servant hood is because He is a Servant. You want the knowledge of God become as He is. Look at Him and then do what He does. You will be flooded with the knowledge of God. If you want the kingdom of Heaven, you want the power encounters that your looking for, that Im looking for, we want this realm of eternity, become a servant of all. It is the surest and the only way to the knowledge of God. Because He is a servant. That is His very nature, He comes and He gets under the people. He comes just like he did the first time, He is a servant, Yes He is a great King.

He is a great king who serves.

If you want the knowledge of God and you want the supernatural encounters, dreams and visions and healings and encounter. Dive deep into the love of God, and express it through loving your brother.  And you will be flooded with the knowledge of God. The knowledge of God always leads to Love. Always. Because He is Love.

If you know Him, He goes, “How can you say you love God, but you hate your brother? Your a liar and there is no truth in you.” And do you know what it means to hate your brother? It doesn’t mean to only say I hate them and be frusterated. Thats not the only thing that hate means. Hate means jealously, contention, strife. Those kind of things are birthed in a hate for your brother. Those are the kind of things that lead Cain to kill Able. It was the jealously, contention and the strife that created a hate in his heart. If you embrace hate you become like the enemy.

How many of you have read Matthew 5, 6, and 7Sermon on the Mount, Christianity 101, He says turn the other cheek, He says love your neighbor, this is the way of the Kingdom. Yes we are going to do great exploits, yes we are a generation who will stand in a warring spirit, yes we are a generation who will lay hold of the things of God but how will we do it? We will do it though the power of passion, through the power of love. It is violent.

There is a great equalizer called eternity and it doesn’t matter what sphere you might have or what hand you’ve been dealt so to speak. It doesnt matter what your circumstance is, if you have a horrible home life, and you have all of these issues that your trying to work through, nobody’s mentoring you. Nobody’s going to bring you to the fullness of who you are. You have all these thing coming against you, and nobody’s really there to help you, those things are not going to limit you from being great in eternity. Your going to die any minute anyway, you may not have a great sphere in this life, you might and you might not, it doesn’t really matter but if you don’t you can be eternally, eternally, eternally wealthy, eternally great.

There is an invitation that the Lord wants to give you in this hour. To set your heart on a pilgrimage, not of this world. Set your heart on a pilgrimage to be great in eternity. You are going to be there in just a moment, you are going to be there in just a moment. And what you have done in love and service is what is going to stand in that day.

Give yourself to the heart of God.

With a violence, give yourself to the love of God, and to loving your brother and your sister and I promise you in just a moment when we step over that line, and we stand in eternity, your wisdom will be justified. Your wisdom will be justified. It is the only thing that stands, it is the only thing. Its what is done under the sun that is vain, when you do things as an end in themselves, they end.

The only things that remains is what I do before the uncreated one.

Are we a people who are willing to give everything to the fasted lifestyle to Christianity? Theres no other way to be a christian. Its Matthew 5, 6, and 7. Jesus himself said it, theres not an alternative way its not only reserved for a few. Now what it looks like may look different for different people. Its not an option, if you want to live as a Christian in your generation and you want to make a difference and you want to make and impact Matthew 5, 6, and 7 is the only way. Its servant hood and its love, because He is love and humility is His nature.

You want the knowledge of God, then embrace His nature, embrace who He is. He said, “This is how you know that I am in you and you are in Me, this is how you know. If you abide in Me and I abide in you, you will ask what you want and it will come to pass.” But how do you know if you are in Him? If you do His command. And do you know what His command is? LOVE. And I think that the Lord is saying to this generation, “Die to yourself, DIE to yourself, that He could live.” Die to yourself and you are having a ministry.

Your ministry is to lay down your Life.
Your ministry is to not live of this world.

You want to be an apostle, you want to be a prophet, you want to be a great man or woman of faith lay down your life. lay.down.your.life Die to yourself daily, pick up your cross and follow Him. Die to yourself through desire, through desire and you will find a romance that will be awakening your heart. You were made to live with something to die for. You were made to live for somebody else. Its like romance, its like giving yourself to someone else. Its living totally other than.

There is a passion living inside of the human soul. I think its even unique in this generation. We want something to live for, to fight for, something to die for. This is it… lay down your life, lay down your life, lay down your life, and you will enter into such a divine romance, you will enter into the power of God like you have not known. But only when He can trust you. When He can trust you is when you are walking in true humility. When we are walking as He walked in this life, not of this world. My heart is set on a pilgrimage. Not clinging to things, not grasping after the wind, not of this world. Walking steadfast day by day by day, abiding in love doing what He has commanded. Living an expression of His heart in this age.

My ultimate destiny is to become one with the uncreated one.
My ultimate destiny is to marry the Lamb.

And I want to be equally yoked in that day. I want to be equally yolked in love. And to be equally yolked in love I must be as He is. Holy as He is, not of this world, not given to jealousies, and contentions and things that weigh us down. Not the lust of the age, not of this world. Its all fading away anyway. Its all fading away anyway. Its all fading away. Its just a grasping after the wind, all of it. The only thing that remains is the heart that lays in emotion of the knowledge of God, that heart that lays in servant hood, that heart that lays in love for the uncreated one. This will remain. This is wisdom, the days are short, the days are very, very, very, short. Not only are you going ot die in a minute, but its the end of the age. The days are very short. And he wants friends in this hour. He wants friends of the bridegroom, for real.  He wants apostles, He wants prophets, and He wants people He can intrust Himself to. Who will not cling to the people, who will not who will not take his own sheaths and build his own kingdoms. He want shepards after his own heart.

His heart is a heart of a servant. His heart is the heart of a lover.  You want to be a shepard after His own heart, do you want to stand in the councils of God and hear what is going on, The emotions between Jesus and God and Holy Spirit. You want to be a friend of the bridegroom, do you want to be a radical forerunner at the end of the age?

Love and love well
Serve and serve with all of your heart, your soul, your mind, your strength.
Go low in humility, and He will lift you up
Your wisdom will be justified

This is all that remains, this is all that reamins. Every time you say, “yes” you are reclothing your inner man and you are living from a different age. When you say, “I choose love, I will not take vengeance, I will not take revenge, I will not be jealous, I will not live according to my flesh. I choose love.” You are working that muscle and you will be strong in that day, and you will be strong in this day. Thats the only thing that remains.

Fill us with the knowledge of you oh God, fill us with the knowledge of you. teach us the simple way, show us how to serve our brothers and sisters, teach us the way of greatness. Lord I ask that You would do what only You can do, and You would let a clear sound of the frailty of life and what is coming in eternity, would You write it on our hearts oh God. Write eternity upon our hearts, Write eternity upon our hearts, Write eternity upon our hearts. That we would live for the age to come, that we would not be of this world, that we would not be weighed down by the jealousies, contentions, the strife, the lust of this age. God I ask that you would invade this generation with the knowledge of You.

Oh To Be Selfless

Today, was one of those days. you know the ones where you are 7 months pregnant (huge feeling), the migraine you have been fighting all week finally hits, your on edge with hormones, and yet you still have to dig deeper because its not about you, (Add in some amazing understanding husband) and that was my day. But the Lord used it. He is SO faithful.

As we were attempting to put Bode down for his second nap around 4 my migraine hit full force, and i was completely out of the game laying in bed next to my hubby who was blogging and writing. Bodie was being typical and yelling and doing the retched throw the bink out of the crib thing to stay awake.  So i kindly went in there talked nicely to him and gave it back telling him to take a nap. By the third time i had to go in there I was over it, nap time was not happening today. I tried one more time and then plopped back on our bed not able to see straight. Right as i laid down i saw a vision of if i were to totally lose it, like those people that abuse their kids. Funny thing was i wan’t even mad, just sick.

As i saw this, i saw the pure shock and horror on my son’s face. The confusion, heart ache, the horror, of being abused hurt and not knowing why. The Lord was doing it again. Awaking my heart for his children, his abused and neglected children. The Orphans.

The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved.
Mother Teresa

I am a Father to the Fatherless. My commandment is that you love… as I love.      John 15:12 Psalm 68:5

When Bodie was born there were SO many times i would not be able to hold him or just look at him at night. I would wake Dan up and leave the room with a deep weeping and travailing heart. I would see him and see how unfortunate other children were.  How he just was able to look around and was so helpless. Not able to do anything, but was fully reliant on me, on us as his parents. I would weep and weep night after night for those who dont have that, who are pushed to the outskirts of life to fend for themselves. Those babies who just laid in their cribs neglected and needing love, or just food, left crying, alone. wondering.

Now today during this migraine i was having the same thing, my heart was sick, i was sick, but i didn’t have anything left. As i laid there and drifted into a hard sleep (which is not normal for me) the Lord was showing me something, working something a layer and step deeper then before.

Selflessness

We need the gift of selflessness. Its one of the greatest things we can ask for. Its like the gift of hunger.  Even to step out for a moment, out of our own lives, out of our own circumstances, our own hurt, our own selfishness, is something that is recognized by a Holy God. Jesus was the most and greatest examples we have, (obviously). Its not our nature, its not just ‘in us’, its not what we as humans want. Its a gift, a gift of love. To reach into someones life, even if its to kindly give a slightly anery kid their bink that they threw it out in the first place. It really does mean something, it means you love Jesus, beyond yourself, beyond your circumstances, beyond the moment, it means you love. You love with that unconditional love that expects nothing in return, (maybe for your toddler to take nap somedays, but we cant get picky) ;)

Love bears all things…..”Let us not underestimate how hard it is to be compassionate. Compassion is hard because it requires the inner disposition to go with others to the place where they are weak, vulnerable, lonely, and broken.
Henri Nouwen

I cant wait to have our next, little Elsie, but am kinda unset in the way that i know what is coming. Nights of travail, on top of a newborn. A gift but so hard, hard when you are already totally exhausted. Oh how i want to learn how to be selfless. Even more. In the little, the mundane, in parenting, in being a wife. I want to be like Jesus.

Lord give me the gift of of being Selfless, I want to be like you.

~Ash

p.s. I wanted to brag on my AMAZING/LOVING husband.  No matter how mad or how far i push him, or how bad i want to fight with him in moments he wont ever give in. It can be totally frustrating, well it is. But he is one of the most selfless people i know, for real.

AND today as i was totally grumpy and lazy, and you know pregnant, as i fell asleep with my migraine he cleaned and organized our garage. Like DOMINATED it, pushed the boxes to the sides, moved our dryer to the wall not in the middle of the laundry area AND then he set me up my own craft area with all my stuff, a rug, chair, everything! I was in instant tears when i saw it. He is so wonderful. I love you Babe :)

And I am not going to read through this again because my head is killing and my stomach is sick. So if it makes no sense, has missing words, or is totally jumbled, i will blame the migraine ;)