Uniqueness of the Heart

It is the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings is to search out a matter.

Pr. 25:2

This last week has been a beating on us as a family. Bodie has been much more emotional and defiant then normal. Tantrums, yelling, and time out have literally been running our home this last week. My house has never been this messy, I have have been battling headaches and migraines for days, Elsie has gracefully taken the back burner to her brother, Bode has been very sick and recovering, and Dan is steadily loving us in all of our chaos.

I never imagined parenting easy by any means, but I also never imagined having a ‘bodie’ either. He will truly change the world, and has the strength to do it completely by himself. I dont say that lightly or as a pep talk to myself, but in all honestly he lives life to the absolute fullest in the good or bad. And being a mom to one of ‘those’ is not easy either. Why or how the Lord chooses is a mystery to me. Maybe I need the change more then most..

Everything seems to be a down this last week with him and a battle royal for us. Not getting to watch movies, or a veggie Tales, or getting a cookie when he demands, milk after we pour juice and the list goes on and on to even the smallest battles of not crunching crackers on the floor and having his bink not just for bed.

Something has to give at some point. We have tried every kind of discipline, love, everything. But the tantrums and screaming still exists. Im not a crazy bootcamp kind of mom but my kids are going to be respectful and kind and loving even when they dont want to, because thats love. The Father treats us the same.

At my breaking point today in prayer and searching out wisdom on his heart and stewarding it rightly as a parent, the lord spoke so softly,

 I carry your heart unique to you, to how you were created.     Why would you handle his any different?

Oh….. right. If im not dealing with his heart in the way it was formed and feels loved how will I ever bring discipline unto him desiring Jesus through it all. Im not talking unique in boy and girl and every child is different kinda way, but in how we were created and how we are loved.  A very seasoned mother told me one time “Just be a ‘yes’ mom”. Until today I thought that was crazy. After yet another humbling and banging my head kind week Im beginning to understand.

With Bodie, everything is a battle, unless one of us gives. His heart needs some yes’es. So maybe that means a cookie for a snack, or an extra movie. The kids doesnt take any down time in the day and has to work twice as hard as any of us. Why not? When it is purely out of desire and not out of boredom or replacing something like a movie for something.

At the end of the day, does he have joy, peace, love, know love, give love, seek Jesus? Thats what matters. Not if he uses a bink at two Im pretty sure he wont have it in high school. (hopefully) Even today i said yes and let him go watch Dragons while I cleaned and played with Elsie. He has yet to be disobedient or anything. If anything he is happy, Elsie got momma time and i got the house slightly picked up. I would say that is a win. Movies is an easy example right now, but even in a movie he chills out, afterwards he uses his imagination way more, his talking is better, and he is happy and able to love on his sister more.

Now my home isnt turning over to free for all, I love my kids too much or that. And flat disobedience is different then battles…But a ‘yes’ and even discipline each go further when carrying a heart unique to how it was created I am going to be a yes mom. And I will carry his heart rightly, and i will love past my knowledge through Jesus.  It may not look text book, but it works. Even past my own ideas and walls, I will love rightly.

If you had not seen of my twitter feed, bodie is a healing kinda man. thats what his heart prays for on a consistent basis outside of us and our nudgings. He has prayed for me multiple times and has had instant results. the other day I woke up with full blown pink eye, showered got ready did the morning and it was still there hours later. I had Boy pray for me and within 20 minutes it was 100% gone and I was healed! Lets hear an AMEN! ;) Oh to have faith like a child!!

Parenting is not easy but it truly is a honour to search it out. 

Boys Second!

I forgot to post pics of Boy Wonder’s second birthday, ooops..!

For his birthday i wanted it to be very chill, no pressure to make him nap, cause he wouldn’t and no pressure to have a bunch of his friends over since he would end up playing with one anyways, or fighting them… ;)

SO we put balloons in his room to wake up to and in the living room to play with (Cars ones of course ) and then we just had a normal morning. After his nap we took his best friend Eden to a very large Farmstead/Petting Zoo, Deanna Rose. Of course Eden was PUMPED to go and Bode had no idea where we were going. So we loaded up the kids, Anne loaded up hers and off we went! As a responsible parent i made sure to bring my camera, with only about 1/4 battery life left.. :/ But it was a blast, the kids had so much fun just playing and holding hands most of the time. They even went running off to the chapel!! ;)

*side note I have never been to a petting zoo before…. So I thought it would be a blast to go IN the little goats pen and feed them with the kids.. Dan nodded and said “Well you can go ahead..” The second I got in there I was swarmed and jumped on and pinned against the fence by this bigger goat! AH, my camera slammed against the posts, and boy was hitting them saying “top it, top it, stop it”, and “no no no”…so cute, and scary… Lesson learned…

So this is what we did….Some are camera and some are top notch iphone ;)

We fed the fish…Massive gold fish


Labor Guessing Game

I figured i would let everyone know what has been going on and where im at in this pregnancy right now. I have a moment while everyone is occupied and Boy is sleeping. Warning this is going ot be a bit long winded just so you know what really is going on.. :) I left alot out for the sake of being able to get through it all…

Thursday Night:

Around the 6th i started getting alot of Braxton Hicks Contractions which by the end of the night ended up being real ones, like my whole stomach tightening. I decided to just wait things out to see if i would feel better in the morning since i wasn’t in any kind of pain or discomfort, which i did. On that Tuesday they started up again, and by Thursday afternoon i was getting cramping in my lower stomach with each one. So i decided to head to the hospital after a bit of convincing just to be sure things were ok, and didn’t have some kind of infection causing the contractions (I did with Bodie at this time).

Once we finally got to the hospital and i got hooked up i saw the Dr. on duty which summed me up to being dehydrated, which was totally upsetting b/c i knew i wasn’t and there was something else going on. They checked me and i was actually dilated to a smallish one, (no big deal at all). So they kept monitoring me and and I was getting normal contractions that were getting more regular and stronger. After a few hours they checked me again and i was dilated more. They also told me they would not be able to deliver the baby at that hospital b/c they only deliver after 36 weeks, for the baby’s safety and would have to transfer me (that night by ambulance) to the other brach downtown where they have a NICU. Basically the complete ghetto that you aren’t able to walk around the building and #1 in trauma in KC due to all the people wandering in off the street with gun shot and other wounds. Uh, what?! *cue all emotional stress and hormones*

Keeping all the factors of the day in mind: hadn’t eaten dinner, Bodie was at a friends going with no nap towards bed time, and i had already been there about 4 hours, and Dan had just left to put Boy to bed and have a friend come stay at our house while we were gone. It was super stressful.

They ordered me an ultrasound to be sure i was progressing, which i was. When i got back from the ultrasound i was given an IV which took four tries all over my arms, with alot of digging for my veins, and then another ultrasound to be sure baby was head down. The nurse told me i was about 90% for having the baby that night and needed to prepared myself for delivery. I think you can imagine the shock at this point. I was most likely having this baby tonight AND not with My midwife or at my hospital….!??!

At this point in the night everything was a complete blur. I was an emotional wreak, not being ready for all this so early, Dan was still gone trying to figure out what to do with Bodie if this goes down, I was shaking like a leaf, and the Dr.s were zipping in and out of the room. Complete Chaos. On top of everything going on with my body trying to go into full labor.

So When Dan arrived back at the hospital is was around 10pm. We waited another hour for the ambulance to arrive and they gave me a medicine called Procardia (sp?) to stop or slow labor so they could transport me. Which began working right away. My contractions were still coming just as ofter just not as strong and i didn’t have anymore pain.  I finally was shipped off to the other hospital and Dan followed in the car so we would have it when we left.

Once i got to the hospital downtown no one was willing to actually help me or tell me what to do. I stood at the receptionist desk holding my own IV bag with its ten foot tubes dragging on the floor and  my open gown on the verge of showing everything. The men that transferred me actually waited and made them help tell me what to do. Oh and Dan wasn’t allowed to come see for twenty minutes. Seriously i have no idea why, i think it was honestly just to be a pain. At this point we had been going through everything in the hospitals since around 6 and it was now past midnight.

I was hooked up and checked again which I had only progressed to a two since taking the medicine. So she said she would be back in a ‘bit’ to recheck me for progress. (alot of extra was going on bewtween all this). SO two hours later she came back and i was in the clear to finally go home since the medicine did what it needed to do for now.

As far as i know and have been communicated with i need to head back in if my contractions get strong again or have any pain. Thats it…

The next morning, two hours after getting home, i woke up with True labor in progress, i was having to fully breathing through contractions and in a TON of pain, so i decided to hop in the bath since it was only 2 hours after we had just gotten home. And no kidding the second i sat down everything stopped and was fine, no pain, no really hard make me sick contractions. Amazing. So we decided not to head back.

I had some of the worst migraines and soreness that next day due to all the stress, lack of sleep, and the medication they gave me to stop labor. I had to sit in the same position for over 9 hours and was so sore mainly my tailbone and back. It was such a blessing dan called into work (no way i could have even functioned on my own), and Dan’s mom flew into town that day as well. Which was such a blessing.

Where Im at now:

Dan’s mom was planning on coming for the week and after all the events decided to fly in two days early. She has been a HUGE blessing in the everything help department, especially since i am trying to be on some sort of easy going schedule. :)

I am still having contractions, but not really any pain most of the time. Basically im in early labor, but could go on like this of another full month and still have to be induced. So really its a guessing game. Im trying to hold out to go get checked or try to have this baby till at least this Friday 36 week mark, so i will be able to deliver at our hospital and with my midwife.

Right now, i am completely not at peace. I hate not knowing whats going on with my body, and not knowing anything about my situation.

I am so physically tired from a full week of ‘early labor’ i dont have anything left in me at this point. Even though Im not in any sort of ‘pain’ with all the constant contractions (atleast ten an hour, which doesn’t seem like alot but they aren’t BH) i had no idea how much they weigh on your body. My emotions are drained, from my hormones going through the roof the last few days and from being so tired.

I am weak, in every aspect of the word. physically, emotionally, spiritually, everything. I need prayer, alot of it. I literally can not do this for an entire month. There is honestly no way. I just cry when i think of things and where we are at. On the edge of guessing, and not being able to do anything. Im praying we have her early, i want to go into labor (after Friday). I know thats selfish, and she will come when she is ready, but at this point i dont care. I dont want you to think i dont want her to be perfectly healthy, or anything, because i want that more then anything or anyone. The constant reminder of her being able to come at any point with every contraction through the day is unbearable. Not unbearable like in the last few weeks just he anxiousness, but unbearable in the sense of unendurable. Which is not fully true because i have the Lord but i think you know what i mean.  The weakness im feeling is like nothing i have ever been through even at my worst. I think i need a sign to say ‘checked out’, or ‘over it’ hanging around my neck. ;)

Please just pray for me, i dont know how to really write what i am going through, i dont know that there are words mainly there have just been those hot tears that pour down my face, or complete frustration. Prayer will be good. Pray for strength in every way, emotionally, and physically. Pray she is perfectly healthy and ready to come. Pray she does come early. We are ready, my body is ready, my heart is prepared. I cant do this for an entire month.

I know this got a bit raw and totally scattered/jumpy, but i want you to know where Im at so you know, and i have out it out there to be real. I dont want this to be a sympathy post on me, at all, thats not why i put it up. I just need prayer.

OK, well i knew this would get a little long winded and if you did make it to the end thanks for listening and caring. :) I will be keeping you all updated on what is going on, or not going on…

<3 Ash

Oh To Be Selfless

Today, was one of those days. you know the ones where you are 7 months pregnant (huge feeling), the migraine you have been fighting all week finally hits, your on edge with hormones, and yet you still have to dig deeper because its not about you, (Add in some amazing understanding husband) and that was my day. But the Lord used it. He is SO faithful.

As we were attempting to put Bode down for his second nap around 4 my migraine hit full force, and i was completely out of the game laying in bed next to my hubby who was blogging and writing. Bodie was being typical and yelling and doing the retched throw the bink out of the crib thing to stay awake.  So i kindly went in there talked nicely to him and gave it back telling him to take a nap. By the third time i had to go in there I was over it, nap time was not happening today. I tried one more time and then plopped back on our bed not able to see straight. Right as i laid down i saw a vision of if i were to totally lose it, like those people that abuse their kids. Funny thing was i wan’t even mad, just sick.

As i saw this, i saw the pure shock and horror on my son’s face. The confusion, heart ache, the horror, of being abused hurt and not knowing why. The Lord was doing it again. Awaking my heart for his children, his abused and neglected children. The Orphans.

The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved.
Mother Teresa

I am a Father to the Fatherless. My commandment is that you love… as I love.      John 15:12 Psalm 68:5

When Bodie was born there were SO many times i would not be able to hold him or just look at him at night. I would wake Dan up and leave the room with a deep weeping and travailing heart. I would see him and see how unfortunate other children were.  How he just was able to look around and was so helpless. Not able to do anything, but was fully reliant on me, on us as his parents. I would weep and weep night after night for those who dont have that, who are pushed to the outskirts of life to fend for themselves. Those babies who just laid in their cribs neglected and needing love, or just food, left crying, alone. wondering.

Now today during this migraine i was having the same thing, my heart was sick, i was sick, but i didn’t have anything left. As i laid there and drifted into a hard sleep (which is not normal for me) the Lord was showing me something, working something a layer and step deeper then before.

Selflessness

We need the gift of selflessness. Its one of the greatest things we can ask for. Its like the gift of hunger.  Even to step out for a moment, out of our own lives, out of our own circumstances, our own hurt, our own selfishness, is something that is recognized by a Holy God. Jesus was the most and greatest examples we have, (obviously). Its not our nature, its not just ‘in us’, its not what we as humans want. Its a gift, a gift of love. To reach into someones life, even if its to kindly give a slightly anery kid their bink that they threw it out in the first place. It really does mean something, it means you love Jesus, beyond yourself, beyond your circumstances, beyond the moment, it means you love. You love with that unconditional love that expects nothing in return, (maybe for your toddler to take nap somedays, but we cant get picky) ;)

Love bears all things…..”Let us not underestimate how hard it is to be compassionate. Compassion is hard because it requires the inner disposition to go with others to the place where they are weak, vulnerable, lonely, and broken.
Henri Nouwen

I cant wait to have our next, little Elsie, but am kinda unset in the way that i know what is coming. Nights of travail, on top of a newborn. A gift but so hard, hard when you are already totally exhausted. Oh how i want to learn how to be selfless. Even more. In the little, the mundane, in parenting, in being a wife. I want to be like Jesus.

Lord give me the gift of of being Selfless, I want to be like you.

~Ash

p.s. I wanted to brag on my AMAZING/LOVING husband.  No matter how mad or how far i push him, or how bad i want to fight with him in moments he wont ever give in. It can be totally frustrating, well it is. But he is one of the most selfless people i know, for real.

AND today as i was totally grumpy and lazy, and you know pregnant, as i fell asleep with my migraine he cleaned and organized our garage. Like DOMINATED it, pushed the boxes to the sides, moved our dryer to the wall not in the middle of the laundry area AND then he set me up my own craft area with all my stuff, a rug, chair, everything! I was in instant tears when i saw it. He is so wonderful. I love you Babe :)

And I am not going to read through this again because my head is killing and my stomach is sick. So if it makes no sense, has missing words, or is totally jumbled, i will blame the migraine ;)

The Norm Here

I was laughing the other day, at how many things are different after you have kids. And all the different things that go on in your house that you never thought would before you had kids.  So i wanted to share some of the things we laugh at in our house. I would LOVE to here a few things for you all as well. :)

You know your a Parent when….

You consistently have a mess, through out the house, of spatulas, wisks, hot pads, egg beaters, and other random kitchen utensils.

You have atleast one Baby out fit in every room, at all times of the days.

If we cant find something like our keys, purse stuff, food, cards, binks, etc., we look in the third drawer down in the kitchen (Where all the kitchen utensils would normally go)

When anything in the first 7inches of the table are now at risk of being pulled down (mommas cereal and other food items) and is always on your mind.

You can take a good two hours to pick up the house to livability. And Bodie can bring it back to the previous state in a matter of seconds.

When your kiddo has better way better groove then you do, and can pick out the music anywhere you are.

When no amount of money you spend on toys will ever amount to the egg beaters, your phone, ipod, or even climbing the stairs.

Momma Bear (our kitty) is my sons best friend most days. He will chase and tackle her, and she loves it just as much as him and loves humoring her. They literally play for hours doing just this. OR they peacefully enjoy the squirrels at the back door in the mornings together :)

When by the time bed time comes we just take a few minutes to sit and stare at each other, and enjoy the silence.

When at one year old my son has already out smarted me and has stashes of food and cereal around the house. I dont know how he does it in the 2 seconds im not watching him..?

Thats all i can come up with now but hope to remember more later.  Again i would love to hear a few from you all. Until next time…

Ash