Psalm 19 1-6

From my chamber 
I lift my eyes to the stars
 
unto the heavens I set my gaze
As creation declares His faithfulness
in the middle of the night 

Your always the same
You never change
Your words uphold all things
Your hands are still involved
You still speak to my heart

The sun tells the story of Your love
 Rising at dawn it prophesies of Your coming
 a joyful Bridegroom
Your faithfulness on display
The promise of your love 

The majesty of creation sets 
my heart on firm foundations
Stars piercing the walls of my heart
Whispering the secrets of love to
 
My soul

I open my eyes to see Your goodness
I  open my heart to catch Your gaze
Its Your presence Im longing for
Its your words of life that sustain me

Day after day, night after night
 the knowledge of God is unveiled
The skies testify, they witness 
the faithfulness of God
Such majesty, Such splendor
of His beauty

The heavens declare the glory of the King
day after day and night after night
 Prophesying of His nature
A reminder that He is near
Intimately involved in every detail

He is faithful to me 

The Life Of Christ

Over the last few weeks I have been auditing a class at IHOPU. The life of Christ in the Gospels. It has been one of those things that is so transforming, to me on the whole. Even listening to Dan’s Christology cd something is tugging at my heart, the missing piece my mind couldn’t put words on. My place, and my ministry. I want to bring Jesus to the Bride, through who is really is, through His life. 

When I spent my first few hours (ever) in the Prayer Room on a short visit to Kansas City it was something that penetrated my heart. All the years of trying to figure out words to my heart it was finally like, here it is. Everything seemed to fall into place. Not long after that I was called out here by the Lord, to do my first year of school and so on and so fourth.

Going through all the motions and teachings over the last five years, really there is so much to offer, so ‘occupations’ in the Kingdom, but nothing seemed to fit quite right. When we had Bodie I officially became a home mom, staying home working out life in a new way. Not able to go to the prayer room for the hours I was doing, or school which was what I came to do. I was at home, mostly learning what it means to really lay down your life, pick up love, and humility. Really learning trying to have joy at home and communion with Jesus in a truly barren place.  I guess it was really was founding me in who He was, and who I am. What am I hear for? What was I created for, I mean really?

Over the last two years I really have found joy in the barren, seeking out Him in the midst of everyday life with kids. I don’t know how to quite express it, but I feel like I have slipped into my place. Now Dan is much more of the theological kind who always has the words to say whats going on in his heart and where he is going. There is always a goal. He can voice what really his calling is in 24/7, servanthood, thats His deep place, but I have found when talking to supporters or whoever about MY heart, I feel like I just I talk in fumbled words about Jesus and His life. I know its all one reality, but I hope you are following. 

Since taking this class I have that same feeling of my heart finally coming into words as I am seeking out the life of Christ Jesus in the gospels. Every single little detail that is so often over looked of His life. Its who He is. Something that we lack on the whole in Christianly I think. His actual life in four different accounts, each shedding light on Him, on the Father. Its who the bible is written about. The whole point of everything. This is my part, its like my missing piece has fallen into place.

Its something that I feel like has come full circle in the last five years. After being grounded in who I am, and laying it down at home I have finally come into the place the Lord has been bringing me on this journey. Everyone has their place to really bring Jesus into this world, wether it be missions, the ending of sex slavery, 24/7 worship and prayer, preaching, all of it, ( and yes,all of it is one reality), but you get what Im saying. ;) Hopefully.

All this to say, well I don’t really know, but this class has been so, so powerful. I will be probably be taking it again in the near future, even to go deeper apart from normal life and my own meditating. My heart is so full of tenderness, I get struck with tears randomly in yearning for His return, longing for Him. Even just the other night in the Prayer room, the room was really up beat, dancing, while we sang Prince of Peace, and I was weeping. Seeing the heights at which He belongs to the depth He came. He is the Alpha and Omega, King of Kings, yet he came to the human race and took up our frame. I still have yet to even begin to process what is going on in the depths of my heart. He is so good. Its obviously still jumbled in me. All the parts of how I was created, and my giftings are feeling alive in such a new way. Even prophecy is so fresh, and good, easily flowing from a new place, deeper. And I do have to say it has been a great break in life, my own time away from my family. ;)

This is (scratching the surface) of whats going on in me right now. Im not one to really talk about ME, but here is your yearly update… HA! 

-Ash

 

That Awkward Moment When

I had a few people ask me to blog my dental mishap. So heres the story. :)

A few weeks ago I had finally scheduled a dentist appointment which has been long in the making. By long i mean like eight or nine years in the making. Yeah thats how I roll. Anyways..

So i schedule my appointment get it for the afternoon, 1pm to be exact. I stress all weekend at what could possibly be going on in my mouth. I eat lunch and get a call from a frazzled secretary asking me if i was still coming. I respond with;

Ash: “Uh, yes of course. I’ll see you in an hour, its only noon.”

Secretary: “No, its ten after one, you need to get here now. Where are you?”

Ash: “Wait? What no its 12 Im looking at all my clocks. Someone messed with your time.”  (Yes i did argue with the lady, since i was clearly NOT in the wrong)

Secretary: “Ma’am Your late, how quickly can you get here?”

Ash: “Ok, ok, i can be there in twenty”

Lots of whispering and talking to the others in the office….

Secretary: “That will be fine, see you then. Just hurry”

SO i go darting out of the house with just a measly Listerine rinse, (pre dentist appointment 101 fail) completely confused and harshly joking to myself how kansas must be in a different time zone since it was only NOON. After driving for about ten i start thinking about how crazy the whole situation is, and call Dan to reassure myself of the time.  I know that Kansas area code is 913, and the number i had called and recieved was not to my knowledge, a 913 number. WEIRD

So i call the office again….Im sure they thought i was completely crazy by now.

Secretary: “Hello?”

Ash: “Hi, this is Ashton Shjandemaar, we just talked?”

Secretary: (sigh) “Yes?”

Ash: “I just wanted to make sure where your located. Um, your in Kansas City, Kansas right?”

Secretary: “Yes, Yes, are you coming?”

Ash: “Yes, but your on Kansas City, KANSAS right?”

Secretary: “Ye…wait where?”

*awkward pause as i repeat my question

Secretary: “OH HUNNY, you are not going to make it in twenty minutes!”
*Laughing
“We’re not in Kansas City, we’re in Ontario, Canada!!”

Ash: “……….haha………?”
By this time things were making sense, (how on earth did i manage this?)   “Wow, ok i thought something was weird here! I dont know how i managed that!!??”

*both laughing at this point

Secretary: “Well that makes the time change make sense! Sorry Dear, but you did make my day! Bye”

Wow, seriously CANADA!? I honestly dont know how i did that. I must have just googled the name and clicked the first sight, but it said Overland Park, Kansas.. Weird.

Well I made someones day, and had enough laughs for a year! Dan of course will never let me live it down. He even tweeted about it! It actually made my day! Dan: “that awkward moment when you have to be in Canada in twenty minutes” Thats for the support, babe ;)

Well theres your story. haha The scattered mind of a momma!

On a side note i did make it to the place i thought i made the appointment at and told the lady the story, and she didnt even crack a smile. Wow really? I even thought it was funny! So they were able to get me…….. dang it……..

Not being to the dentist in 8 years and having two babies in under two years really kills your teeth. And bad teeth run in my family. SO your paryers are welcomed! :)

Ash

The Days to Follow, NICU


I want to let you all know about the birth and the days to follow of Els. Not in huge detail, because there is just no way to describe most of it.

Im not going to go into all the details of birth. But I was admitted on Tursday night, and and had her on Friday afternoon. I did have another epidural after going the night, so i was to call when i felt ‘pressure’. I was dilated to a three for over a month and was till at a three. Within 30 minutes after breaking my water i was HOLDING her in and yelling at Dan to go search the halls for a nurse. There was no time to be polite and call! I gave two pushes and she was out in my arms. No tears, no burns, not anything! the Lord was sooo good.

She was 6 pounds 13 ounces, and 20 1/2 inches long. Absolutely PERFECT, so small, and joyful. Her name fit her so well.

See how nice she was, not screaming. (probably b/c she couldn't breath) but happy :)

 

  
T
This first picture is when she was in the nursery before they transferred her
And the second once she arrived at Childrens Mercy

PS…
See this nastiness!? I looked like i weighted at least 400 pounds!

She fell asleep in my arms for about thirty minutes. Once they started to clean her up they decided to take her to the nursery and watch her.

My mom arrived around that time, and the doctor came back in to have a ‘sit down’ talk with me. I think my heart literally stopped beating. He was concerned with her breathing and heart. He told me that there was alot of muffled noise in her chest and they couldn’t tell alot at this point. They were considering  a heart murmur and multiple other things. He said if she wasnt improving in the next bit they were going to ship her down town to Children’s Mercy.

I was blacking out and the room was spinning. Once he left, I had to clear my mind. I had my mom call Dan, (who took his sister home) and let him know what was going on, while i stumbled to the shower my legs still numb.

I went to see her in the nursery as they were about to load her up and take her away. I got to talk to her, and hold her little hands. It was the hardest ting to do, she breathing was so deep and she was struggling so hard just to get one breath. The people came and loaded and buckled her into a incubator, and i had to watch these people take my daughter away.

The words were gone. What can you possibly say to them? Say to your baby? My mom took a nurses chair and was verging on passing out, i finally let out my tears, with the last gasp of air before they went down the hall i said,

“Drive safe” thats all i could say, get her there safe, make it there. Take her like she was their own, and drive safe. Im trusting you….

I went back to my room and cried. I had to wait to see her. I only held her once, and i was stuck away from her. My mom stayed with me that night, which was such a blessing. I was so upset and was feeling a disconnect with her already. I was starting to withdraw myself, but pulled through to the next day.  Dan spent the night up with Elsie, you aren’t able to sleep at all at the NICU in the rooms so he stayed awake talking to her and reading his word aloud to her.

I was let go way to early so i could go be with my baby. I was swollen the size of Texas, from my hips down. I literally had huge kankles, it was gross.

The next nine days were a world in and of them its self. I dont think i have ever been so weak, and at my lowest. To leave one child and go to the other was heart wrenching. And since we were not able to sleep at the hospital at all we had to leave at night. The absolute hardest part of all the experience was to pull out of the parking lot and look at the building and know your baby was there, by herself. There just aren’t words to tell you the pain and helplessness you have as a parent.

I know i would never be able to explain the feelings accurately, so i will spare myself having to go back and you more reading!  SO here are some pictures to sum up those ten days. Some of her journey to health.

I am only posting a few, of our camera pictures. Most of the pictures we took were on my iphone, and i just do not have the time to go though all of them. Im also not editing or making them fun on the page…. just deal… ;)

She was diagnosed with bad pneumonia, and her chest was full of fluid. Thus her troubles breathing, and her heart rate.

This was once she was at Children's Mercy, and hooked up to her antibiotics and oxygen

This was my second time holding Elsie, the first time when she was all hooked up. 2 days old

SO little. Grandma holding her!

Our first time doing skin on skin.

<3 (absolutely exhausted)

She did three days of Bili lights.

Daddy and his little girl

She didnt like to be talked to while she was under the lights since she couldnt see. :(

Her first bath we gave her. A little stressful with all the cords and iv’s.

All clean

This was her first time eating!!! It was around day five or six after she was born. On about day three she got a nutirents iv to help her :)

This was Little Elsie’s room and bed. All of her equipment and IV’s were on the stand and her oxygen was around the back.
  
This was once she was off her oxygen the day before we went home. She was finally acting like a happy normal baby!

What we’ve been up to…

Im totally behind in the blogging world, and have been wanting to write everything and share all the good photos from the last few days. They have been quite the adventure, and fun. Wish i could share more but this will be enough to keep me up to date… enjoy :)

Rockin out at Urban!

Eating bark and dirt, quickly finding out its gross &  Gettin dirty!

Momma’s little batman, wearing daddy’s old cape. Dan wanted to grow up to be Batman.

Blurry but so cute!

Lovin the fountain at the Plaza. Such a stinker!

On the stairs where Dan and I got together, knowing we were going to get married! :)

His favorite thing in the world, SNACKING!

Pool craziness and his first TOOTH (the one on the right)! Second one is on its way too! :)

My Mothers Day hibiscus doing great!

And last but not least the exploded diaper!

Let me explain:

Bodie and I went out to catch some sun and play in the pool before it got too hot today. His swimming shorts are just too big for his waist so i just threw him in the ‘swimming’ pull ups.  We got them in a package of random stuff before Bodie was born and i just assumed they were the swimmer ones. After putting Bode in the pool, he starts having a hard time pulling himself up which is not like him and I realize that diaper is filling up and starting to be really heavy (seriously within like 3 min.)! So I just stripped him down and let him continue playing naked (which if he could he always would!), as I trying to figure out what is going on. Turned out the diaper was a regular pull up, and filled up to a 10 pound wet squishy thing. It was MASSIVE and heavy, it swelled so big the gel broke a hole out and was leaking all over the cement!!! I couldn’t quit laughing at myself thinking it was a darn good thing I took it off him when I did or it would have swelled so big I would have had to CUT it off! haha

Ash

Easter

Grandma Gill (Dan’s mom) sent a little box full of fun for easter….. This is only PART of what it looked like :)

CUTE new Hat :)

He kept scrunching his face with this on :)

Wonderful little package, complete with the bunny masks, new hat, caterpillar stuffed animal, candy, peeps, a moving book, coloring book, grow your own animal, loofa, AND last but not least she sent duck whistle, which Bodie HATES! He cries every time we blow it. Here is a little clip form this morning that i happened to catch of it!  :)

Bodie’s duck Whistle

Ash