Oh To Be Selfless

Today, was one of those days. you know the ones where you are 7 months pregnant (huge feeling), the migraine you have been fighting all week finally hits, your on edge with hormones, and yet you still have to dig deeper because its not about you, (Add in some amazing understanding husband) and that was my day. But the Lord used it. He is SO faithful.

As we were attempting to put Bode down for his second nap around 4 my migraine hit full force, and i was completely out of the game laying in bed next to my hubby who was blogging and writing. Bodie was being typical and yelling and doing the retched throw the bink out of the crib thing to stay awake.  So i kindly went in there talked nicely to him and gave it back telling him to take a nap. By the third time i had to go in there I was over it, nap time was not happening today. I tried one more time and then plopped back on our bed not able to see straight. Right as i laid down i saw a vision of if i were to totally lose it, like those people that abuse their kids. Funny thing was i wan’t even mad, just sick.

As i saw this, i saw the pure shock and horror on my son’s face. The confusion, heart ache, the horror, of being abused hurt and not knowing why. The Lord was doing it again. Awaking my heart for his children, his abused and neglected children. The Orphans.

The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved.
Mother Teresa

I am a Father to the Fatherless. My commandment is that you love… as I love.      John 15:12 Psalm 68:5

When Bodie was born there were SO many times i would not be able to hold him or just look at him at night. I would wake Dan up and leave the room with a deep weeping and travailing heart. I would see him and see how unfortunate other children were.  How he just was able to look around and was so helpless. Not able to do anything, but was fully reliant on me, on us as his parents. I would weep and weep night after night for those who dont have that, who are pushed to the outskirts of life to fend for themselves. Those babies who just laid in their cribs neglected and needing love, or just food, left crying, alone. wondering.

Now today during this migraine i was having the same thing, my heart was sick, i was sick, but i didn’t have anything left. As i laid there and drifted into a hard sleep (which is not normal for me) the Lord was showing me something, working something a layer and step deeper then before.

Selflessness

We need the gift of selflessness. Its one of the greatest things we can ask for. Its like the gift of hunger.  Even to step out for a moment, out of our own lives, out of our own circumstances, our own hurt, our own selfishness, is something that is recognized by a Holy God. Jesus was the most and greatest examples we have, (obviously). Its not our nature, its not just ‘in us’, its not what we as humans want. Its a gift, a gift of love. To reach into someones life, even if its to kindly give a slightly anery kid their bink that they threw it out in the first place. It really does mean something, it means you love Jesus, beyond yourself, beyond your circumstances, beyond the moment, it means you love. You love with that unconditional love that expects nothing in return, (maybe for your toddler to take nap somedays, but we cant get picky) ;)

Love bears all things…..”Let us not underestimate how hard it is to be compassionate. Compassion is hard because it requires the inner disposition to go with others to the place where they are weak, vulnerable, lonely, and broken.
Henri Nouwen

I cant wait to have our next, little Elsie, but am kinda unset in the way that i know what is coming. Nights of travail, on top of a newborn. A gift but so hard, hard when you are already totally exhausted. Oh how i want to learn how to be selfless. Even more. In the little, the mundane, in parenting, in being a wife. I want to be like Jesus.

Lord give me the gift of of being Selfless, I want to be like you.

~Ash

p.s. I wanted to brag on my AMAZING/LOVING husband.  No matter how mad or how far i push him, or how bad i want to fight with him in moments he wont ever give in. It can be totally frustrating, well it is. But he is one of the most selfless people i know, for real.

AND today as i was totally grumpy and lazy, and you know pregnant, as i fell asleep with my migraine he cleaned and organized our garage. Like DOMINATED it, pushed the boxes to the sides, moved our dryer to the wall not in the middle of the laundry area AND then he set me up my own craft area with all my stuff, a rug, chair, everything! I was in instant tears when i saw it. He is so wonderful. I love you Babe :)

And I am not going to read through this again because my head is killing and my stomach is sick. So if it makes no sense, has missing words, or is totally jumbled, i will blame the migraine ;)

God is love

Over the past few days I have been thinking about being a mom, what it looks like to be a parent. I still dont know but I know better then i did before I was. I just need a place to put my thoughts for now, and store them away till one day i can look back and see what I have learned and add to them over time.

I was sitting before the Lord, probably cleaning or doing something trying to give as much as I could in that moment to the Lord, and I was reminded of a very significant encounter I had with the Lord. It was when I was pregnant, during a candlelight service (for something) and I was taking communion and out of the stillness and quiet flicker of the flames around me, I heard the thundering voice of the Lord speak to my heart. It was so sweet and such a proclamation over me, He said,

Your . a . good . mom.

Thats it, but it shook me to the core, to the very deepest part of me, because nothing is hidden for His ever searching eyes. At the time I was so terrified I wouldn’t know how to love this coming child, and to raise and disciple him!? I was never the babysitting, kid loving ‘type’ per-say, I always kept my distance, never changed a diaper, never made a bottle, didn’t know how to do ounces, I mean I knew nothing, and then to to it all by myself (excluding my beloved husband) out in Kansas City with no family around within a 600 hundred mile radius.  Anyways I think you understand that it shook me and gave me a hope.

Of course when Bodie came my world was shaken, turned upside down, inside out, got messy, and yet my heart was alive. I not talking alive for the first time, but alive for the first time ‘parent/mom’ kinda way. (Now I don’t expect anyone that has yet to have a family understand what Im saying, but when you do you will. And its glorious, the most glorious) Its like a new heart was inserted next to the other two already in there. My chest couldn’t take any more, it was surely going to explode, and i can tell you it has a few times.

Within the first few weeks of finally holding my little boy, I would look at him and how innocent he was (still is) and just cry finally having to pass him off to Dan and walk away to re gather myself. I would cry and cry and cry, not because of anything other then him, and the realization of what Jesus feels, what the Father feels when He looks at us in our young and innocent states. I think His heart really did explode with the stars on the fourth day of creation, what else could he have possibly done with that much joy? He knew He would have a family forever, a faithful Bride for eternity. I understand He IS Love. He has had an entire earth of creation for generations, and generations, granted they are not and have not all been faithful but even the thought, just the thought, of one loving Him, the thought of my son being one of those few. wow. I truly am honored with such a heavy and weighty burden, to raise him in truth to raise him to be a man after God’s own heart.  How? Im learning, somedays by failure, but i am learning, and trying my hardest to show him that there is a God that IS love. I know I have heard that phrase a thousand times and it has impacted me in many ways, but now i can say i have made a connect with what that really means. It all comes down to God would HAVE to be love to be God, to be everything the bible says, and the testimonies of old claim, and yet He really is. He really is true, just and faithful. He is simplicity, beauty, hope and joy, the lion and the lamb. He rightfully clothes himself with light, and His breath kindles coals. HE . IS . LOVE

Anyway, when I would hold him and he was so brand new, and just laid on me and fully trusted me for everything I was hit with a hammer of true intercession. Im not talking deep groans from within, it was deeper, I still dont know how, but it was. The weight of the Lord’s words to me that night at the candlelight service, proved to have so much more weight then I had realized. Looking at my son, knowing that he knew he was taken care of and loved, and would eat again, the Lord showed me how lucky he was to have a mom and dad like us. Im not talking about me and patting myself on  the back, but how he was given to me to raise him, ME..?! But yes it was me, not a mother that would have put him in his crib to cry all night with the door shut and try and tell me he needed love or was hungry. No, not those parents who beat and abuse their children because they don’t know who they really are.

I know who I am. Im a lover of God, Im Gods most precious, I know who my son is and will be, I care that he has a vision of fullness, I care that he is told he is loved, and that he is prefect. He will always be fed, and clothed, and loved. Above all else he will know that there is a Jealous God after his heart.

The realization of people becoming parents that dont give their children love and really do shut them away in their crib to gaze into darkness and cry, finally falling asleep hungry. Thats real, I mean really real. And I am not one of    t h o s e parents.

I . am . a . good . mom . and . he . IS . lucky . to . have . me

Im sitting here fighting back the flood of tears just thinking about the realization of babies in these situations, and I still am crying out for these little ones, and why they are put there. There isn’t an answer I can give, only prayer. My son was so blessed to be put in a hand picked out home that loves His Son.

God is so good!

My walk might look 100% different then it did when I was single and then after I was married, but its so good hard but good. I have struggled so much with my walk not ‘looking’ like everyone elses. With not being able to go to the prayer room nearly as much if at all, with having to sit in the mom’s room during church and only catch a few out of place phrases from the message, not having time to read my word like before, not going to my beloved bible study where I flourish. But you know, it shouldn’t look the same, if it does you have it all wrong.  You need that time with the Lord, thats not what im saying but, what I am saying is that your giving it your all may look like 10 second prayers through out the day. Or maybe it looks like rolling on the ground with Bodie. I cant be a good mom when I am thinking about how Bodie is taking up time with the Lord. Thats not how its supposed to be.

Some of the greatest times of revelation from Lord is when Im rolling around on the ground tickling, or chasing Bodie around. Why? Because I learn so much I would never have before. When I am fully giving myself to Bodie in that moment, or day, there is nothing closer to the Lords heart then to see me connecting to the most valuable gift given to me (besides my salvation and my husband), giving it my all, my 110%. I know for a fact the days I think I would rather be sitting in the prayer room are the days that I make so much more ground in my walk, (wether I feel it or not) when im givin my all to my baby and husband.  The phrase “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” is so true, mom is truly the heart of the home. Its better to be giving it my fullest and be happy doing it then me fasting and bringing everyone down, at this point at least.

So I guess in closing being a parent looks like, putting your needs second, learning to take a hit and say no to the outside world and friends at times, saying the 30 second prayers all day to keep you afloat and your heart alive. What it looks like to really Love the Lord is to give your family your fullest in that moment and not be double minded.  It looks like having a second heart implant, new heart fully given to that child. I now can truly say I know what it looks like to be the Lord’s favorite one, the only one in His heart, and He really would die just for me. All because He IS love.

I know this was long winded, and probably a little jumbled. But I needed and wanted to write it down so I could keep adding to it. Its late and im tired and wore out, so im not even going to go back and reread this, hopefully it makes sense and you wether you have a family of your own or will some day, are impacted in a way I was.

Ash