Where Im At

I wanted to post a quick blog with where im at. Just so you know and i keep my blogging real and raw.

Sometimes I have the words and sometimes I dont. Today is one of the ‘dont’ days so bear with me. I also want to say this shouldn’t be any means be heavy or sound depressing :)

Reality is I am a missionary. I have chosen that simple lifestyle to walk out what to Lord is teaching me and pushing towards. Thats why i live in Kansas City, away from family, and forced to lean on others, and make new friends. Its not always easy. Most of the time its not easy, but there is grace, and there are the few dear people that the Lord has placed in my (and Dan’s) life to help, laugh, and love us too.  I have been called to stay home and raise my kids with the understanding and desire of the Lord at a very young age. I wouldn’t rather be anywhere else in the world, but there are days its just so hard.

Its a blessing that Bodie takes up literally 100% of my time. He doesn’t like to be entertained, not in the least bit. His heart and personality come alive when he is a part or helping. Mostly helping, helping with vacuuming, dishes, dusting, anything cleaning. Which helps a bit with staying on top of it at times. ;) But have no time to put him down to color or watch a tv show for a few while I do something. Which isn’t what i want to do but there are days i could use 30 min, just to craft or something that my heart loves. I can do those things when Dan gets home (some days) or during his nap. But to be honest I am completely brain dead and exhausted by that time of the day.

At night I find the time once everyone is asleep, to do some blog surfing, which i love, and have the brain power to do. I get so many of my projects and ideas for that time.

The thing is, i get SO discouraged reading and looking into the blogging community.  I think its awesome that they are home moms of multiple kiddos AND still have time to craft and blog AND have the endless supply of money to do it all (props to them, seriously). But my life isn’t at that point. Bodie isn’t one of those kids that will play and entertain himself for a period of time more then 3 minutes. I mostly feel like a failure, i have a blog, i have the passions and creativity to create, i love thrifting, I love decorating, i love vintage, i love photos, all of it, i just do not have the time right now. Thats the (hidden) blessing in Bodie I think, as hard as the days are, I dont have time to push his heart coming alive and learning about how to handle life just to fit into the ‘blogging community’. And its not that i want to fit in or that its exclusive in anyway, b/c its not, but at times i want to be able to do the same thing. Its just not worth it. I am a missionary, and my family is my first priority.

I was really debating on putting the kids in the same room (Bodie’s room is big) and taking the same bedroom for a craft room and music for dan room. But the reality i had to except was, how much time am i really able to give to crafting right now and with Elsie on the way. Not enough, not enough to have a room to myself, not enough that i couldn’t set up something in the basement/garage area for when i DO have the time.

Reality is im living in Kansas City for a reason. I have left my family for a reason. Its a beautiful and glorious thing, but so hard to see past today.

THERE IS A REASON. THERE IS A POINT. THERE IS A GOD WHO SEES MY FRAIL HEART. THERE IS ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS THE TENSION, AND I WILL BE REWARDED FOR LAYING MY LIFE DOWN AT NO COST.

.it will all be worth it.

I have to keep telling myself that, like i said its hard to see past the mundane, boring, hard, difficult days. But it will all be worth it in the end.

I have to say the Lord has put a dear friend in my life out here in KC. My neighbor across the street Anne. She has a  daughter about 6 months older then Bodie and is pregnant with her second too. She has the same heart and creativity as i do, probably even more so, but life is yelling louder then crafting. I know she understands. And she is such a blessing in helping me keep my head sane, when i think im the only one going through a insane day with my hormones, or Bodie is being the worst kid on Earth, or not sleeping. She is there and real and has the same problems. Thank you Lord for my friend Anne. :)

{Thank you Anne, for being real and raw with life, i need that, and i want  you to know that you are doing wonderful, because i can see it, i see the fruit, even in the mundane. And even though we dont ever seem to see each other in our short friendship i appreciate you and hold you dear. :) }

Anyways, reality is that i want to do all my revamps, sewing, diy’s, decorating, and post them on here for you all to see and be inspired, but my life is louder and my main calling especially right now. The times of seeing Bodie’s heart come alive when he is turning the vacuuming on and off while i try and clean, and disciplining him in a way that shows tenderness like Jesus (not always, im still learning), and spending that time with my husband at night once bodie goes down is at the top of my list right now. And its awesome, just a selfish pill to swallow somedays, but,

.there is a reason. there is a point.

I AM LIVING FOR ANOTHER AGE

Thats where im at, and how i feel, mostly in a jumbled mess of thoughts and rants, but there we go. I will try and post some of my projects and other stuff on here through time, but it wont be regular, and it will prob be very brief. :)

~Ash

Thank you too Babe for supporting my crafting and mostly unfortunate thrifting sprees even when we dont have the money. I love you a whole lot <3