Psalm 19 1-6

From my chamber 
I lift my eyes to the stars 
unto the heavens I set my gaze
As creation declares His faithfulness
in the middle of the night 

Your always the same
You never change
Your words uphold all things
Your hands are still involved
You still speak to my heart

The sun tells the story of Your love
 Rising at dawn it prophesies of Your coming
 a joyful Bridegroom
Your faithfulness on display
The promise of your love 

The majesty of creation sets 
my heart on firm foundations
Stars piercing the walls of my heart
Whispering the secrets of love to  
My soul

I open my eyes to see Your goodness
I  open my heart to catch Your gaze
Its Your presence Im longing for
Its your words of life that sustain me

Day after day, night after night
 the knowledge of God is unveiled
The skies testify, they witness 
the faithfulness of God
Such majesty, Such splendor
of His beauty

The heavens declare the glory of the King
day after day and night after night
 Prophesying of His nature
A reminder that He is near
Intimately involved in every detail

He is faithful to me 

The Life Of Christ

Over the last few weeks I have been auditing a class at IHOPU. The life of Christ in the Gospels. It has been one of those things that is so transforming, to me on the whole. Even listening to Dan’s Christology cd something is tugging at my heart, the missing piece my mind couldn’t put words on. My place, and my ministry. I want to bring Jesus to the Bride, through who is really is, through His life. 

When I spent my first few hours (ever) in the Prayer Room on a short visit to Kansas City it was something that penetrated my heart. All the years of trying to figure out words to my heart it was finally like, here it is. Everything seemed to fall into place. Not long after that I was called out here by the Lord, to do my first year of school and so on and so fourth.

Going through all the motions and teachings over the last five years, really there is so much to offer, so ‘occupations’ in the Kingdom, but nothing seemed to fit quite right. When we had Bodie I officially became a home mom, staying home working out life in a new way. Not able to go to the prayer room for the hours I was doing, or school which was what I came to do. I was at home, mostly learning what it means to really lay down your life, pick up love, and humility. Really learning trying to have joy at home and communion with Jesus in a truly barren place.  I guess it was really was founding me in who He was, and who I am. What am I hear for? What was I created for, I mean really?

Over the last two years I really have found joy in the barren, seeking out Him in the midst of everyday life with kids. I don’t know how to quite express it, but I feel like I have slipped into my place. Now Dan is much more of the theological kind who always has the words to say whats going on in his heart and where he is going. There is always a goal. He can voice what really his calling is in 24/7, servanthood, thats His deep place, but I have found when talking to supporters or whoever about MY heart, I feel like I just I talk in fumbled words about Jesus and His life. I know its all one reality, but I hope you are following. 

Since taking this class I have that same feeling of my heart finally coming into words as I am seeking out the life of Christ Jesus in the gospels. Every single little detail that is so often over looked of His life. Its who He is. Something that we lack on the whole in Christianly I think. His actual life in four different accounts, each shedding light on Him, on the Father. Its who the bible is written about. The whole point of everything. This is my part, its like my missing piece has fallen into place.

Its something that I feel like has come full circle in the last five years. After being grounded in who I am, and laying it down at home I have finally come into the place the Lord has been bringing me on this journey. Everyone has their place to really bring Jesus into this world, wether it be missions, the ending of sex slavery, 24/7 worship and prayer, preaching, all of it, ( and yes,all of it is one reality), but you get what Im saying. ;) Hopefully.

All this to say, well I don’t really know, but this class has been so, so powerful. I will be probably be taking it again in the near future, even to go deeper apart from normal life and my own meditating. My heart is so full of tenderness, I get struck with tears randomly in yearning for His return, longing for Him. Even just the other night in the Prayer room, the room was really up beat, dancing, while we sang Prince of Peace, and I was weeping. Seeing the heights at which He belongs to the depth He came. He is the Alpha and Omega, King of Kings, yet he came to the human race and took up our frame. I still have yet to even begin to process what is going on in the depths of my heart. He is so good. Its obviously still jumbled in me. All the parts of how I was created, and my giftings are feeling alive in such a new way. Even prophecy is so fresh, and good, easily flowing from a new place, deeper. And I do have to say it has been a great break in life, my own time away from my family. ;)

This is (scratching the surface) of whats going on in me right now. Im not one to really talk about ME, but here is your yearly update… HA! 

-Ash

 

Sunsets and Stars

Oh the glorious splendor of Your majesty, and on Your wondrous works I will meditate.

Ps. 145:5

Last night the kids and I went to the grocery store alone. While we were driving the sun was setting. It was a big orange sun hanging on the horizon with a yellow and orange sky fading into the night. Bodie took note of it really for the first time. He saw the sun and exclaimed “Wooow!!” pointing. When I realized when he was seeing we talked about how Jesus made the sun, and he colored it. He just sat there so content and filled with wonder. His eyes were somewhat distant as he thought about what I had just said. Then looked at me and yelled “Yay” while clapping. Which he does when he is proud of someone, or something I made. ;) We talked abut how pretty it was, and he threw in how it reminded him of his friend Eden… (uh oh) ;)

Later after a riot against me in the grocery store we were quickly heading to the car and he saw the only two starts that exist in KC in the sky and Boy did the same as he did with the sun. I told him they were stars (his favorite shape like his momma) and again he related it back to how awesome it was and of course Eden. I asked him if he thought she could see them from home and if we will see them when we get home. He responded with a duh mom kind of ‘yeah’. The faith like a child!

It was something that finally had shifted in this two year old. Something I have been anxiously waiting for. To behold the Lamb in all of creation. To see such captivation in him really seeing it, and knowing it was Jesus who made it was so awesome. A new kind of wonder captivated him for a moment. Its the beginning of a journey into the knowledge of Jesus, and i got to see it. The kindness of the Lord will forever astound me!

Just incase you forgot how cute he used to be ;)

Uniqueness of the Heart

It is the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings is to search out a matter.

Pr. 25:2

This last week has been a beating on us as a family. Bodie has been much more emotional and defiant then normal. Tantrums, yelling, and time out have literally been running our home this last week. My house has never been this messy, I have have been battling headaches and migraines for days, Elsie has gracefully taken the back burner to her brother, Bode has been very sick and recovering, and Dan is steadily loving us in all of our chaos.

I never imagined parenting easy by any means, but I also never imagined having a ‘bodie’ either. He will truly change the world, and has the strength to do it completely by himself. I dont say that lightly or as a pep talk to myself, but in all honestly he lives life to the absolute fullest in the good or bad. And being a mom to one of ‘those’ is not easy either. Why or how the Lord chooses is a mystery to me. Maybe I need the change more then most..

Everything seems to be a down this last week with him and a battle royal for us. Not getting to watch movies, or a veggie Tales, or getting a cookie when he demands, milk after we pour juice and the list goes on and on to even the smallest battles of not crunching crackers on the floor and having his bink not just for bed.

Something has to give at some point. We have tried every kind of discipline, love, everything. But the tantrums and screaming still exists. Im not a crazy bootcamp kind of mom but my kids are going to be respectful and kind and loving even when they dont want to, because thats love. The Father treats us the same.

At my breaking point today in prayer and searching out wisdom on his heart and stewarding it rightly as a parent, the lord spoke so softly,

 I carry your heart unique to you, to how you were created.     Why would you handle his any different?

Oh….. right. If im not dealing with his heart in the way it was formed and feels loved how will I ever bring discipline unto him desiring Jesus through it all. Im not talking unique in boy and girl and every child is different kinda way, but in how we were created and how we are loved.  A very seasoned mother told me one time “Just be a ‘yes’ mom”. Until today I thought that was crazy. After yet another humbling and banging my head kind week Im beginning to understand.

With Bodie, everything is a battle, unless one of us gives. His heart needs some yes’es. So maybe that means a cookie for a snack, or an extra movie. The kids doesnt take any down time in the day and has to work twice as hard as any of us. Why not? When it is purely out of desire and not out of boredom or replacing something like a movie for something.

At the end of the day, does he have joy, peace, love, know love, give love, seek Jesus? Thats what matters. Not if he uses a bink at two Im pretty sure he wont have it in high school. (hopefully) Even today i said yes and let him go watch Dragons while I cleaned and played with Elsie. He has yet to be disobedient or anything. If anything he is happy, Elsie got momma time and i got the house slightly picked up. I would say that is a win. Movies is an easy example right now, but even in a movie he chills out, afterwards he uses his imagination way more, his talking is better, and he is happy and able to love on his sister more.

Now my home isnt turning over to free for all, I love my kids too much or that. And flat disobedience is different then battles…But a ‘yes’ and even discipline each go further when carrying a heart unique to how it was created I am going to be a yes mom. And I will carry his heart rightly, and i will love past my knowledge through Jesus.  It may not look text book, but it works. Even past my own ideas and walls, I will love rightly.

If you had not seen of my twitter feed, bodie is a healing kinda man. thats what his heart prays for on a consistent basis outside of us and our nudgings. He has prayed for me multiple times and has had instant results. the other day I woke up with full blown pink eye, showered got ready did the morning and it was still there hours later. I had Boy pray for me and within 20 minutes it was 100% gone and I was healed! Lets hear an AMEN! ;) Oh to have faith like a child!!

Parenting is not easy but it truly is a honour to search it out. 

Tension Within

Last night I was in the prayer room, after a very long day with sick and crying kiddos. So needless to say it felt so good just to get a time with Jesus outside of the chaos at home.

The Lord started to draw me back to the incarnation, how Jesus is fully God and fully man. He was speaking to my heart on a new level of the tension in His heart, He has the same frame and build as us. He literally took on our dust so that we could be His people. He brought reconciliation from God to man.

He belongs and rightly sits upon the throne in Heaven, in all of His holiness and purity, He longs and desires for us to be with Him where He is. Because He is man and we are like Him, made in His likeness.

Jesus is our {only} satisfaction and the {only} way we can be content with who we are and what we were created to do, is to be with Him. Im not saying He needs us because He is God, but He sets His heart on us, desires that we would be with Him. That we would stand in holiness, purity, love. That we could dwell with Him unbridled in all of His splendor. He is satisfied when we are with Him.

We see this in part now, in small glimpses, and gestures from Him as He serves us daily and in each season. He loves to come a dwell among His people. Thats whats really coming! There is coming a day, that Jesus will roll the sky up like a veil, riding on the clouds, with His legion of angles and come for me, for each one of us. He will come and take up His beloved and we will be with Him where He is, and He will be our God. It will be as it once was in the garden. Jesus is going to bring restoration, through Himself to the earth. We will walk in the cool of the day with Him. Our souls cries out to Him in the darkness searching for its Beloved. Just as deep calls out to deep, so our soul recognizes its beginning and longs to be with its Author Creator.

Its where we belong and where He is satisfied with our intimacy and full devotion.

Our King is a real man, sitting on the throne as a real God.
and He is Jealous for your sweet nothings.
For jealously is a husbands fury.

HE IS LOVE.
HE IS RIGHTEOUS.
HIS NAME IS JESUS.
AND
HE IS GOD.
HE IS MAN.

His affections are for me
I am Dark but Lovely 

 

Building Cathedrals

One thing I have to be careful of in my own heart is looking too deep. I introspect. Which is not a good thing. It either leads to pride or a dark hole of depression. I get looking too deep and end up in a downward spiral.

When Dan and I talk, adult heart talk, I have to keep my guard up, because Dan is very vocal and analytical about life, his calling, and just about everything else. Not because I dont want to hear or support Dan in what the Lord is doing in his heart, but because I do not think on the same track mind as him and I end up in a place of thinking Im doing something wrong. I dont connect the prophetic dots in my life since high school, or know what to read in the word to get to the place the Lord wants me in 30 years, nor do I have a time or date of when anything is going to happen or step into my calling. I dont know if many people think like that but I dont and Dan does. Kind of like as far as the east is from the west are our minds. I dont think about my future on a daily basis, nothing like that. I do my day, keep my heart in constant check, make sure at the end of the day Jesus is my all, pray through out most of it and do it again more or less. I am more inward spirit. I am trying to take hold of the world my mind is in and give it to the Lord amidst life. Motherhood right now. Maybe doing motherhood (obviously it is) is shaping my destiny and preparing me for my calling whatever that may be. I dont know. Im just doing life right now and really loving Jesus along the way.

Well we had one of those conversations. And it was a long one. Dont get me wrong I love to hear what Jesus is doing in my husband, and I love to see his passion and vigor to the things he has been called into. But on our way home I felt so defeated. I felt like, Am I even SAVED!? What am doing, where am I going, am I even doing this right?! And then the tears started to flow. Despite my husbands affirmations to me I still felt like a failure. Not because i compare myself to him by any means just because I SEE and hear what he is doing. He knows where he is going.

Introspection.

So we got home, Els was crying in the crib, (sick and teething make for sleepless nights) and I rushed upstairs to do what I do. I held her for a minute in the dark, trying to calm her down while Dan made her a bottle. As I was swaying her the tears began to flood my eyes. And the Lord spoke so soft and clear.

You are building Cathedrals. Every detail, every, column, every spoken word. Everything that will be or is covered to the naked eye, I see.  I have fashioned you…I have made you as a women to love deeper. You are building Cathedrals.

I am the one building the home, I am building and writing the children’s view on eternity. Im the one loving deeply. I went to tuck boy in and just collapsed on the side of his bed, head on him, crying. Letting it all out. Thankfulness, exhaustion, failure, just about all the emotions available to the human frame. This little life was mine to raise, each breath I get to see.

He is going to change the world. She is going to change the world. My husband is shaping lives. I am a servant to Christ. And I AM enough. I love deeper, I am building Cathedrals. I have been fashioned for this purpose.

I dont know how much you are following with me, but lets just say it was profound, a moment I need break through that could only from the voice of the Lord. Not very often does that come to me, in a day, or week, or month, but it came in just the right time last night.

Thank you Lord.

i am building cathedrals
dark yet lovely  

KC Zoo 2011

Today we finally ventured out to the zoo! Some of my favorite places on earth are zoos, and my husband is completely tolerant of my childlike nature. ;) Anne, Pam (Anne’s mom) Eden, and Little Avery came along too, the more the merrier right? Annnnd Boy and Eden only got in one fight! (amazing) ;) I tried to cut out 90% of my pictures and collage the other to show you and save some time.

Enjoy.

I am terrified of birds flying around like this… (obviously) but braved it and had fun :)
Our poor little bird was the outcast beat up guy. Shaking, mostly featherless, and deformed feet. It was a Jesus loves me kinda thing for me :)

Fall came next door

Boys Second!

I forgot to post pics of Boy Wonder’s second birthday, ooops..!

For his birthday i wanted it to be very chill, no pressure to make him nap, cause he wouldn’t and no pressure to have a bunch of his friends over since he would end up playing with one anyways, or fighting them… ;)

SO we put balloons in his room to wake up to and in the living room to play with (Cars ones of course ) and then we just had a normal morning. After his nap we took his best friend Eden to a very large Farmstead/Petting Zoo, Deanna Rose. Of course Eden was PUMPED to go and Bode had no idea where we were going. So we loaded up the kids, Anne loaded up hers and off we went! As a responsible parent i made sure to bring my camera, with only about 1/4 battery life left.. :/ But it was a blast, the kids had so much fun just playing and holding hands most of the time. They even went running off to the chapel!! ;)

*side note I have never been to a petting zoo before…. So I thought it would be a blast to go IN the little goats pen and feed them with the kids.. Dan nodded and said “Well you can go ahead..” The second I got in there I was swarmed and jumped on and pinned against the fence by this bigger goat! AH, my camera slammed against the posts, and boy was hitting them saying “top it, top it, stop it”, and “no no no”…so cute, and scary… Lesson learned…

So this is what we did….Some are camera and some are top notch iphone ;)

We fed the fish…Massive gold fish

Captivating

Today I was doing dishes and cooking and decided it was time to light a candle.

As I made my way to the table with the lighter I decided to light it and let Els see the flame and see what her reaction would be. As I lit it she was instantly consumed, not breaking eye contact and captivated. I kinda giggled to myself suprised at her reaction and went along my way. She watched the candle on the table for a long time and would keep going back to it from time to time. I told her that Jesus’ eyes looked like that…..

As I thought about it later I couldn’t help but think,

Is it any surprise that humans are captivated by fire? How we can sit around the fire for hours just gazing into the flicker? Isn’t it amazing how we can watch the ocean ebb and flow for hours and yet its never the same tide? Or how relaxing the sea breeze is to the soul? We are captivated by beauty. By creation. By Him.

The things in creation that I can think of that trump beauty and are nothing short of breath taking, are the thing made to stand out and show who He is, what He’s like.The ocean and its vastness, and mountains and their majesty, the expanse of space holding each star and constellation, the wind’s whisper, the sunset as its painted across the sky, the array of emotions or the intricacy of the human heart, the consuming flames of a fire, the delicacy of a flower, the colors of a rainbow, the flash of lighting and the boom of its thunder. And to think thats only describing Him?!

I was talking with a friend just the other day about thinking about the Lord as ‘everlasting’ was hard for me. He is just so great and eternal, yet never changing, never decreasing, and never growing. He just IS. The Holy Spirit broke in with that still small voice and said,

I am like the seasons Ash. Always new and fresh. Yet always a new year and New season, but still the same. Summer, Fall, Winter, Spring. Summer, Fall, Winter, Spring.

I dont think I need to expound there.. ;) He tends to layman’s it for me, yet it seems so profound.

Then it kinda struck me. Watching Elsie be utterly and completely captivated by the flame, I want to be like that. She was so captivated and still, yet she was scared. But never once did she break eye contact. Her eyes were fixated on it, no matter how long or how many times I did it, she stared just like it was the first time. There was once where she actually slowly and uneasily put her hand out to try and touch it and boy scared her. It was so precious (on my track of mind) to see her reach out but yet when she got scared she pulled her hand away and just stared.

I want to be captivated with Jesus like that every time he crosses my mind like it was the first. To behold the holy, fierce, loving God, looking back at me for my gaze, for my captivation, my fear, and my love, for my undivided attention. I want to behold Him like its all so new. I want Him to be my soul captivation, just like a child. I want it to be my prayer day in and day out.

“I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God {Jesus} like a little child will never enter it.”